


Secrets of Legends

by WickedGiGi



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Children in War, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Hakoda is a great dad, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Gore, Minor Sokka/Suki, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Panic, Panic Attacks, Past Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Suki & Zuko friendship, War, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), zukka - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-28 16:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13275498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WickedGiGi/pseuds/WickedGiGi
Summary: “So…” the female guard whispered, “Do you know what really happened in the war room?”The three other guards leaned in around the lunch table and then they all looked towards Sokka expectantly. It accrued to the water tribe boy that the story of the banished Prince was practically a legend in the Fire Nation. A “ghost” story used to scare children. It’d be weird if Sokka got up and left now. They’d rightly assume that he sympathized with their hated Prince...He wanted to leave. But...He didn’t have a choice, did he?Basically: Sokka hears the story of how Zuko got his scar from some guards during the Boiling Rock. And he doesn’t know how to deal with this information. Sokka wants to help, if it's even possible to help Zuko. But, there’s also a side of him that feels it’d be better if he left it alone. A sort of cannon compliant (if you want to believe these are all "missing scenes") Zukka.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Posting this is a little embarrassing because it oozes angst. But, I know how small the community is for this ship so, I felt obligated.
> 
> Important to Note: Zuko's crew didn't know the story of how Zuko got his scar? But, some random people in the earth kingdom (in Zuko Alone) knew his father "burned and disowned him"? That’s confusing. So, I decided to go the "this story is a legend" route in that: *most* people in the Fire Nation/Earth Kingdom/North Pole have heard the story. This excludes people from the Southern Water Tribe because, they were so secluded. But, most people have heard the story and assume it isn't true. They assume that it's a "wise tale" created to scare children. 
> 
> It's my sort-of head cannon that Iroh wasn't so much *telling* the crew the story but, rather, he was confirming that it was true. And by recounting the events (as someone who was there) Iroh was dispelling any mistruths that generally circulated around legends. 
> 
> So, I hope all this makes sense.
> 
> Please do comment and let me know how you feel about it. Every little bit helps with motivation!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sokka hears the story about how Zuko got his scar

Sokka barely paid any mind to the chatter within the barracks as he thought over their current situation. It had been five days now since Zuko had been found out. That almost put their stay at a whole two weeks total.

The Water Tribe boy picked up his tray in the cafeteria line. He could feel himself coming off of his high. Reality was settling in. Sokka couldn’t help but feel guilt nesting within his chest now. Funny how, not so long ago, hope had just hatched in the same spot... and now dread settled within. The feeling wasn’t just because he had unwittingly gotten the Prince captured… That was a mess all on it’s own. Although, admit-ably, things could have been much worse for the perceived traitor…

In truth, they were _lucky_ the warden didn't want a riot and the whole prison knowing the Prince's true identity would have done just that. They were lucky that the warden’s pristine record meant so much to him. Luckier still, if you could call it luck, that he perceived the Prince as a possible threat to that spotless record. Thus, his only extortion had been that Prince Zuko behave himself until the Firelord could be contacted.

But, as if he needed more to feel guilty about- The _Water Tribesman_ had started to take notice how sickening normal this routine as a _fire nation guard_ felt. It was as if he were a child again walking amongst the barracks at home. He remembered how desperately he wanted to be a warrior back then. Phantom admiration took him over once more whilst reminiscing. And so, for a few moments everyday everything felt something close to normal. More normal than it had all year. _That had to be a betrayal on some level._   Then there was that glimpse of happiness just moments ago... which, now, made the teenager feel even worse about his current situation. Sokka was so gleeful when he saw his dad step off that gondola. Oh, how badly he had wanted to go to his father. He could feel his chest aching at the thought, even now. But he had to wait till nightfall.  

And that’s why he had this sinking feeling as the lunch lady filled up his tray. He almost didn’t feel hungry. _Almost._ Because all of this... the normalcy of being a guard... seeing his dad... it all felt really, really, _really_ , wrong. Because every moment, _every second_ , they stayed here could prove fatal for Zuko. Or worse. Sokka tried to dispel that feeling. He shakes his head a little as if, by chance, the image of his friend being tortured might come tumbling out of his ears. _‘Zuko signed up for this when he insisted on coming’_ , the warrior rationalized. ‘ _There’s no reason for me to feel guilty about anything!’_.  

Sokka had been so lost in his thoughts that he hardly noticed when he heard the _'fellow'_  guardsman laugh as he passed by them, food tray in hand. At first he thought they were laughing at him: the newbie with the stiff strut. Or whatever it was they’d deemed criticism worthy. But, they hadn’t been laughing at him. And the name that graced the female guard’s lips gave him pause. 

He tried to calm himself instinctively since he hadn’t heard the entire sentence. He had just heard the tail end of it. The name.

“Zuko”

He froze. 

All the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end like he was being assaulted by the cold wind of his homeland. The feeling was something kin to those goosebumps he felt back then but, not quite as pleasant. For a moment, the Water Tribe boy felt in tune to that spiritual pool of chie located in his stomach. The feeling is fleeting. But, he remembered how Katara had described it as she explained waterbending to Aang for the first time. _Like a body of water,_ she had said. Tides always swirling and shifting in sync with your emotions and the weight of your body. But, that pool in the pit of his stomach held no waves. The currents felt sickeningly slow as if it were stuck. Stagnant. Like that feeling of bile before you start to gag and throw up. 

Yet, he didn't feel hot like when he had a fever. It was almost as if his waves of chakra where instead an icy basin of dread. It’d been a long time since the water tribesman had felt so cold. And then, as if on cue, he could feel that familiar heat creeping up the back of his neck reminding him of his nerves. The uncomfortable warmth conflicted with the ice in his gut. It reminded him of being violently sick again. Being left with something burning stuck to the back of a dry throat.

Now, his mind raced so fast he couldn’t keep track of his thoughts. Some thoughts relevant, others abstract. Like before falling asleep. He couldn’t help but wish they had been laughing at him. He was the funny guy. He was used to being laughed at. 

It occurred to him that it had been almost a month exactly since he had felt so afraid. So unsure. That had been while they were trying to break into _the fire nation capital._ That perspective should have made things feel less dire. But, it didn’t 

As smoothly as he could muster he turned on his heel and sat in an open seat among the guards. Trying his best not to jump to conclusions. He'd only heard Zuko's name after all. Still, Sokka needs to know what they know. Because if word gets out amongst the guards… well… that’d be bad.

They were still laughing when the female guard noticed him. “Oh hey. You’re the newbie that helped me with the imposter.”

Panic seized him. _Oh god she knows._ It took a lot of effort to keep his brow smooth as he smiled, “Yep that’s me. The newbie.” He hoped his nervousness didn’t shine through.

She smiled back at him warmly like an older sister looking at her kid brother, “Did you ever get a good look at him after?”

Sokka shook his head. He worried that she could hear his thundering heart.

“Damn.” She said disappointed. She then thought for a moment before finally asking, “Well, did you notice the scar? I was just telling these guys how much he looked like the banished Prince Zuko.” The sentence had been fairly light hearted up till the end. Like she was complaining about there being too little snow for sledding. Until she spat the words _'Banished Prince'_

Sokka made a face. Like he was trying to remember. Putting on his best acting yet, “Yeah” he said as if he were unconvinced.

“Don’t you agree he looked like the prince?”

Sokka flared his nostrils and twisted his lips to the side “I mean….” He squinted “ _I gueeeeeeesss_ ” saying it as if he were unsure.

One of the male guards laughed, “See! Just because he has a face scar doesn’t mean he looks like the traitor Prince.” He almost sounded defensive. It made the fake gaurdsman wonder if Zuko had recently caused a stigma towards face scars in the fire nation.

She sighed and looked away with a pout. She was obviously upset she had lost the argument. If it had even been one. Sokka felt a rush of relief though, it was short lived.

“Man.” An older male guard said wistfully, “It’s weird that he’s in the news again. I can still remember the news of his banishment as if it were yesterday.” He said it as if it had been a long time ago. Which made Sokka quirk a brow at him without thinking. _'it practically was yesterday’,_ the Water Tribesman thought. Hadn’t the prince only been banished a month ago when he left the fire nation during the eclipse?

 _‘How much news happens on a day to day basis in the firenation?’_ Sokka wondered a tad dimly.

The man smiled down at Sokka’s quizzically brow. 

 _‘Oh shit.’_ The Water Tribe boy looked away sheepishly. Not sure how to explain himself. Lucky for him the man laughed as if Sokka had told a particularly funny joke, despite the fact he hadn’t said anything. He tried not to stiffen too much as the older man reached from across the table to punch Sokka in the arm as he said, “Ah it’s alright son. Don’t be embarrassed to ask. A lot of people your age don’t know the full story of the famous banishment.”

_‘What was that supposed to mean?’_

“So, like…” the younger looking guard started; the one that had been offended by the face scars business. “All I ever heard where horror stories other kids told me.” And then he smirked saying lowly, “I was kind of afraid to ask my parents about it. Didn’t want the royal treatment.”

It was obviously a scandalous statement. The woman made a disgusted face. It was as if someone had told a very distasteful joke about kidnapped waterbenders, or something to that caliber. But, Sokka didn’t get it. The elder boomed another laugh as if he were an old sailor immune to all things involving scandal. But, the traitor among them couldn’t help but fidget uncomfortably. Then the older man whispered back “More like the spoiled brat treatment.”

Everyone else at the table couldn’t seem to be able to hold back a light chuckle. It was supposed to be funny, for whatever reason. But, they obviously did _not_ want to be heard right now. Sokka tried to awkwardly force a laugh as well. If any of them had been paying any attention to him they might have noticed how rigid he was.

As he laughed he inwardly tried to reassure himself that, if this broke out into a storytelling session, then the story wasn’t going to be that bad. It was going to be about the day of the black sun. _‘That was when Zuko was banished, after all’_ During their almost victory. It would sting. But he could deal with that. He knew how that story ended, after all.

“So…” the girl whispered, “Do you know what really happened in the war room?”

_‘The war room?’_

The older man leaned in as he took a breath but the younger man stopped him, “Wait. Wait. I want to know the whole story. It’s been so long since I’ve heard it.” He whined like a child wanting to hear a fairy tale. It made Sokka want to punch him in the face. He looked down to see his knuckles taunt; the color was leaving them as he gripped tightly at his seat.

The tribesman couldn’t help this unknown feeling crawling up his spin. Seeping into him. Gut twisting. Feeling more and more unsure. No longer a pool or waves or whatever. Just organs and carnage clinching, tightening. Before he had felt cold. Now he felt uncomfortably hot. Almost feverish. The heat replaced the chill once occupying his gut and intensifying the uncomfortable warmth on his neck and back. Because, he knew Zuko wouldn’t want him to sit here and listen to this. It would hurt his pride or honor or… whatever.

His mind was racing again. Caught between wanting to leave and wanting to know.

The three leaned in a little to whisper and then looked at Sokka expectantly. He didn’t have a choice, did he?

It dawned on him that this story was so common place that it was practically legend, apparently. It was _that_ "ghost" story used to scare children. If he left now, socially, it’d be like leaving campfire during the reciting of great war stories won by the men of his village. Even now, he remembered those great stories in which their tribe bested the fire nation. Stories told by elders with pride and gusto. Sokka couldn’t help but think of how, if someone walked away from that campfire... looking sick... then the people of his village might think them a Fire Nation sympathizer. So, he leaned in. His heart beating violently as he did. 

Sokka looked over at the older man as he began to speak. Blue eyes fixating on the upturned corners of his mouth, “Well you better listen good boys and girls. Because this is about as accurate a story as you're ever gonna hear.” He paused for a second. “Well unless you get the Firelord himself to tell you.”

 _'Or maybe the prince.’_ Sokka winced at the thought of asking Zuko such a thing.

“I heard this story only three days after it happened.”

The younger guard made an impatient look. Like he just wanted the older man to get to the point. The woman had a similar glare. And, Sokka would have been continent if the story had ended there.

“So, as you all know, the prince had just celebrated his thirteenth birthday…”

His heart sank. No, plummeted. Like a bolder off a cliff… like a… like a... He could hardly hear the man talk over his rising panic. _His mind could barely function because of his panic._  As a result, Sokka was only able to look at his mouth move through the motions of exposition. Unable to really process what he had heard.

And then his brain turned back on in a furry. 

Thirteen? _Thirteen?_ Just Thirteen?! That was _Aang’s age now_. The Firelord banished a child? _His_ child? Sokka couldn’t help but chew his lip, making a face. So… Zuko was banished before the day of the black sun…? He could vaguely remember it now. An angry boy in a ponytail shouting about his honor. Had he been a banished prince back then too? His eyes widened. It all made sense now. Well… more sense, anyways. He had always wondered why a _Prince_ had chased them all around the globe. Why a princess had, in turn, chased the Prince whilst calling him a traitor. It was because Zuko had been banished all this time… But… why? And why at thirteen?

 _Sure, thirteen year olds suck sometimes._ He would know, he was a pretty shitty one… But how could…?

“It’s said the prince was always very spoiled. He was a prince after all! He got everything he ever wanted! And the intense spoiling eventually made him lazy. He never wanted to practice his firebending. But again, he was the Prince. So, he felt he had nothing to worry about. He was the first born! It was his right to rule! He became lofty. Arrogant. He knew he’d soon have the throne. And it was all he could think about.”

Sokka couldn’t help but remember when he had just turned thirteen. Their father had left before his birthday. It was just him and Katara together in their family tent. Trying desperately to adjust to one another. At the time, he and Katara were pranking each other. Well, it was more like Katara was pranking him. With waterbending. Constantly. Making snow slick so he’d trip. Making it look like he wet himself in front of the kids he was training. Annoying but trivial innocent things she had done. Harmless, really, in response to his constant sarcastic quips. And every now and again the things he would say… they would get a little underhanded... So, honestly it was understandable that she’d strike back. They had no adult to reign them in.

And they were both lost and hurting. They desperately wanted to continue being siblings that teased each other. They didn’t want to grow up yet. They didn’t want to have to parent each other. They didn’t want to parent the orphans either. The two of them didn’t realize it then but, they didn’t really have the liberty of bickering anymore.

“And so, the Prince started demanding to be a part of his father’s court. Even though he wasn’t yet sixteen. His father tried to tell him, _kindly_ , as a father should that Prince Zuko wasn’t ready.”

It took everything Sokka had to hold back a snort. _'Ozai, kind?'_

“But the Prince wouldn’t listen. And the Firelord was much too kind to his only son. And thus, the Prince ended up bullying his way into the war room during a war meeting.”

Sokka noticed that he was now grinding his teeth at every mention of Zuko being some pompous spoiled brat. He had remembered the days he, himself, had thought that. But now, after actually getting to know the prince, it was really hard to imagine prince Zuko ever being spoiled. Even as a child.  
  
Sokka’s analytical brain couldn’t help but provide the phrase, _people change_. It took every fiber of his being not to shake his head at his own thoughts. Zuko had changed that much was true. So… it was… possible that Zuko had once acted in such a way. Nobody's perfect. Everyone does shitty things. Especially at thirteen…

The tribesman grimaced as he remembered a time when he, himself, was really mean spirited. He had been tired of all the bending pranks. And, quite frankly, Sokka was jealous of his sisters bending. The pranks felt like flaunting. So, he tied Katara’s braid to their tent post while she slept and then poured a little bit of water on it so it would freeze. It was funny at first. Significantly less so when Katara started crying in the morning. All the humor was drained from the action when his little sister became ill.

He inwardly winced at the memory. That had been a really, really, shitty thing to do to his sister. One out of character shitty moment is one thing. But it was hard to imagine Zuko so… consistently shitty. Just as it was hard to imagine Ozai as kind.

“Our gracious Firelord warned Prince Zuko not to be disrespectful and never to speak out of turn during the meeting. But, again, the Prince thought _since he was a Prince_ that he was immune to any sort of punishment. And so, unsurprisingly he was rude in the war room. He rolled his eyes at the war plans and said sarcastic things under his breath. The Firelord tolerated much before the Prince outright disobeyed him by speaking out of turn against a general’s plan. And so, the Firelord declared the Prince’s punishment-”

“What was the plan? And what was the Prince’s objection?” The girl interrupted, “I heard so many different stories.”

“Yeah.” The other male guard chimed in, “I heard Prince Zuko wanted to throttle the entire war. And, that his actions would have killed many innocent people.”

Killing Innocent people? That  _really_ didn’t sound like Zuko.

"Yeah. That's what I heard too." The older man said. "And so. For disgracing his father so badly the Firelord sentenced Zuko to fight in an Agni Kai..." The man paused taking a long swig of his drink for dramatic effect.

An Agni Kai?... Wait… No…

Sokka’s eyes widened in realization. The first day they had posed as guards he had heard a prisoner challenging a guard to an Agni Kai. Sokka had never heard the term before and so, out of curiosity, asked Zuko what that was. He noticed how Zuko visibly tensed at the words.

At the time, the Prince explained calmly that it was a firebending only battle with a bet system. The whole, “If I win I get this. If you win you get this.” kind of rules. The Prince said that, generally, it ended when the losing opponent had fallen completely. It didn’t seem all that strange at first. But, Sokka had felt dread as Zuko’s explanation drew to its conclusion. The Water Tribe boy had noticed how the Prince became monotone. His eyes completely distant as he explained, that as a really fucked up boon, the victor scarred the loser.

Sokka’s first thought had been, _Is that how Zuko got his Scar?_ He didn’t ask. But then again, he didn’t need to. Zuko refused to meet his eyes hours after the conversation had already passed.

A sickness had welled up in Sokka as he looked at Zuko’s scar that day, with new eyes. He remembered how, when he saw it in the south pole, he had rationalized it as being an obvious training accident. Despite the fact it was almost perfectly shaped like a black eye from a firebenders hand…

Something kin to rage had settled into his jaw that evening. Every time the tribesman caught a glimpse of pink under helm he experienced a new kind of hatred towards the Fire Nation. To know someone had… intentionally done that to his face. _A teenagers face._ To permanently and publicly humiliate him for all of eternity... It upset Sokka, to put it lightly.

But now the Water Tribe boy wasn’t just angry. He was mortified. How could his father sentence him to fight against a seasoned war general? What was wrong with him?

Sokka couldn’t help but remember, again, that time he froze Katara’s hair. How his Gran Gran scolded him. It had been his best efforts to hold back tears until she said, _“Sokka.”_ In that disappointed tone, _“You’re supposed to protect your sister. What would your father say?”_ and then the tears exploded forth. Uncontrollably he had cried like a baby and his Gran Gran comforted him. _Him._ The one who had hurt his sister.

What he had done was awful. Mean. But no one had burned him. No one had banished him.

The man wiped his mouth ready to get back to the story. He looked around at the wide eyed young adults and smiled. And Sokka wanted to tackle him to the ground. How could he smile about something like that? Even if everything were true (which he highly doubted now). How could someone justify burning a kid?

“And… As you all know… Zuko thought he was to face the general.”

Sokka’s breath hitched in his throat. _What?_

“But he had spoken out of turn in the _Firelord’s_ court. So when, Prince Zuko turned to face his opponent he was not meet with the general but the fearsome Firelord.”

_His own father…?_

Sokka felt sick. No _. No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No._ Why? Ozai had done terrible things. But… To intentionally hurt a child? His _own_ child? As much as he wanted to believe Ozai to be completely and utterly irredeemable he didn’t want _this_ to be true. The Water Tribesman found himself almost stricken with denial. For Zuko’s sake, he didn’t want to believe this. It was just so hard to fathom someone hurting his friend. But, his own father?

“Prince Zuko realized he had fucked up. He knew he was no match for the Firelord.”

No match? That was his dad. His dad was supposed to love and protect him. Hold him when he had nightmares. Encourage him while he trained.

“So Zuko fell to his knees and begged for mercy.” The other two sneered and Sokka couldn’t help the flicker of a scowl that graced his features. How... how could they sneer? He wanted to reach over the table and… and…

It had been a long time since he felt pure rage bubble in him. Making him see red. Images of violence flashing before his eyes.

“He begged and cried. He even pissed himself. But The Firelord had had enough. And thus, he told the prince what a spoiled brat he had been. And how Prince Zuko would learn respect. And suffering would be his teacher.” He paused again for dramatic effect. “So, he grabbed Zuko by his ponytail. And with one mighty blow to the face- ended the battle. Zuko fell to the ground displaying just how weak he was.”

Mighty Blow? _Mighty?_ As much as Sokka didn’t want to think about it, the scene played before his eyes. The large faceless figure that was the firelord grabbing a poor defenseless child by their hair in front of everyone. _Weak?_ He couldn’t help but flair his nostrils. Ozai was the only one that was fucking weak. How else could you explain something so low? Cowardice? Complete and utter cowardice. Ozai didn’t deserve to be called firelord.

 _But, why though? To feel important?_ Sokka pondered. _How much of a fucking power trip did the Firelord even fucking need at this point? He was the Firelord. Lord of the fucking Fire Nation. Conqueror of the free world. What in the world did he even gain by hurting a kid?_ Sokka wasn’t even listening to the rest of the story anymore. His mind playing and replaying the horrific scene in his mind. Ozai blasting Zuko in the face with fire. Zuko…

His rage was cooling down to a simmer from it’s previous boil. How could he hurt his own child? The question, in his head, was now asked out of sympathy rather than unadulterated rage. The peasant winced at the thought of Zuko’s reaction towards his own thoughts. Zuko would think Sokka found him weak or something else equally stupid like that. Sokka knew Zuko wasn’t weak.

And, then the tribesman wondered how a thirteen year old  Zuko must have felt when he turned around. When the Prince saw the man he was so incredibly devoted to standing at the end of the… isle? He must have felt crushed. Betrayed. Afraid.

_Afraid…_

He wondered if his father burning him that day had been the first time his father hurt him. Had it been a strike for simply daring to exist too obviously in his sight? Or was it a normal thing?

His stomach did a somersault. Twisting around uncomfortably. The pain was similar to hunger. But, he looked at his food and found that he definitely didn’t want to eat right now. 

He had had an image of Zuko in his mind during the telling of the story. An innocent boy on his knees begging his father with wide eyes, like Aang. Sweet and naive. Eyes that believed his father would never hurt him. Unknowing to the pain he’s about to endure. But maybe Zuko wasn’t so… Naïve. That thought made his chest tighten more.

Zuko probably did look up at his father. But not wide eyed and confused. He was probably afraid. Shaking. Because he knew what was about to happen to him.

“You okay?” The woman asked looking genuinely concerned.

Sokka realized his face had shown a lot of unbecoming emotions. At one point, he must have been the perfect picture of rage. And now he had caught himself looking down sadly at his food. Probably, for a while now. And most definitely well after the old man finished his story. “Um yeah… uhhh….”

The imposter guard must have had a look of sympathy on his brow. How was he going to explain sympathy for the Prince? It made him feel sick that he even had to…

“I get it” nodded the older man, “It’s always hard to hear someone disrespect our Lord in such a way.”

…they thought he was mad at Zuko? He was now _actually_ afraid he might attack them. So, instead he nodded. And then got up to bow “Sorry. I’m not feeling well.” He grabbed his dinner roll as he took his leave. Now heading towards Zuko’s cell instead of his fathers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is my splash back into posting fanfiction! I hope you guys like it! I've really missed posting my work. I haven't stopped reading/writing fanfiction in all this time. I think, Fanfiction will forever be a passion of mine. I remember how the fanfiction community was so so supportive to me as a kid. So, many great writers would read my stories and give me tips! It was all very inspiring. But, the internet is the internet. And I encountered a troll who got a bit... hostile... And it hurt me a lot at the time. 
> 
> On top of that my art teacher caught me drawing fanart and started really bagging on "fan culture". Saying things like, "I just don't get fan art and fan fiction. You can't put your name on it. Besides isn't it kind of nerdy and embarrassing?" And on and on... So, because of all that, I ended up being really discouraged. 
> 
> And while I never stopped writing fanfiction (I just couldn't resist) I stopped posting completely. 
> 
> But, I realize now that trolls don't matter. And, it's okay to do something you love anonymously. Even if you can't make money off of it. Making money is great. But, it isn't the only thing that matters. I think I like sharing my work. So, uh, thanks for reading this authors note! And, sorry, it was kind of a rant.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sokka tries to comfort Zuko. And also Sokka is a little bit gay. But, it's a Zukka so that's to be expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, it's a little angsty. But, I hope it's not too much.

His mind was racing as he walked through the winding hallways making his way to Zuko’s room. He couldn’t shake this itching feeling. Part of Sokka wished it hadn’t been himself who had found out the scars origins. Because he doesn’t know what to do with this information. His morals are gnawing at him. His insides felt throbbing and raw. He should want to help his friend. But, that asshole side of Sokka kind of doesn’t want involved.  
_  
'Zuko probably doesn’t want you involved either.’_

 _‘It happened a long time ago.'_  The tribesman tried to rationalize. But, then he furrowed his brow, _'So, What? He should just be over it?!’_  Sokka huffed at himself. There was no way anyone could just get over that. Not easily anyways. He couldn’t help but snidely wonder if chasing their gang around the world had been a weird sort of therapy to the teen. And then Sokka frowned at his own snarky-ness.

He was close to Zuko’s cell know. He doesn’t know if he can do this. He starts to pace just outside the door. Should he do this? 

He was accustomed to being the eldest of the group. The big brother. The protector. So, there was a part of Sokka that had to know the Prince was okay. Even if it had happened years ago, the story was still fresh in Sokka's mind. There was an irrational side of him that was worried he’d step in there to see Prince’s skin ablaze. His father standing over him. 

And yet, it wasn’t all fueled by good intentions. There was that more selfish part of Sokka… that analytical part of him. that just wanted to know.  _Needed to know._  What exactly had happened to his friend. And… the Water Tribe boy couldn’t help but wonder what _had_ happened before.

As  _if_  he needed more fuel to hate Ozai.

Sokka found he was then turning the snarl towards himself. ‘ _As if Zuko would tell you something like that. How would you even ask? “Hey, Zuko I know your dad gave you that big scar! Did he give you any more? You're cool now, right?” that’d just be insulting.’_

He thought back again to the young Zuko he had envisioned in his mind. How he had once imagined him with eyes like Aang’s. But, that probably wasn’t likely. The Prince was probably well aware of just how cruel some people could be (particularly his father). Azula probably knew it too. That’s why she was so… well… like herself. But, Zuko… his eyes weren’t ever cruel or hardened.   
  
A memory of a firebender circling him in the snow comes to mind. That had been the first time he had met Prince Zuko. The peasant could remember thinking that the Prince's eyes looked sharp, like a warrior. Every time they fought Sokka expected too look up and see cruelty in their shine. However, Sokka only ever saw desperation. Oh, how badly the young warrior had wanted to see the evil that was surely lurking there. The water tribe boy had been convinced he'd see it one day. Zuko had been the angry jerk who burnt down villages; so there had to be evil dwelling within. It was frightening to Sokka that, time after time, he kept misreading the look in the firebender's eyes. _He must have been._  Sokka had known Jet was a snake. He was able to see the blood bender, Hama, was a monster despite the sweet old lady act. But, something had felt off when it came to Zuko. Something in the back of Sokka's mind had been screaming something wasn't right. But, that analytical side of him pushed that feeling down.

And still, in the absence of burnt cities he saw a glimpse of loneliness. When he was wanting to see the spark of carnage instead he only saw sorrow. In the north pole, when the gang had Zuko tied up, the bound man had been slipping in and out of consciousness as his head lulled on Sokka's knee. The peasant watched the Prince closely. Sokka remembered how badly he wanted to feel hate and disgust at the man leaning against him. He wanted to see Zuko as he was; as a monster. But, as those thick dark lashes fluttered Sokka saw only honey when he should have seen bloodshed. His skin buzzed where they touched when he should have felt anguish.  
  
In that moment his intuition told him that he wasn't seeing the whole picture. But, again, that analytical part of his brain chastised that it didn't matter.  
  
Then, Sokka met Azula. The picture became a little bit clearer. It was obvious the two were related when Sokka first saw her. The two looked so much a like. On the surface, even their eyes looked the same, long lashes and burning gold. But, Zuko's eyes were sharp and striking in a way that was almost beautiful. It sort of reminded Sokka of painted glass. Surreal when whole. Dangerous when broken. So, you'd think his sisters would evoke the same feeling. But, Azula's eyes were sharp in a scary sort of way. Like the bared teeth of a Dolphin Piranha. From the moment Sokka's eyes met Azula's he saw the embers of destruction. Sokka couldn't help but think that the evil he had been desperately searching for in Zuko; he found it in Azula.

Of course... That's the thing about hindsight... it's 20/20. But... In a weird way... His gut had been right about Zuko all along. He just hadn't known it yet.  
  
'Had Azula inherited her gaze from her father?'   
  
His mind went back to a stage he had never seen. Replaying screams he had never heard. Seeing bubbling flesh and anguish he only knew the aftermath of. Then, suddenly, he was opening a metal door.  
  
Sokka was storming into Zuko’s room without really thinking. Lost in thought. He was startled to find said prince shirtless and on the ground with his hands behind his head. He was hunched over his knees in a sitting position. At first Sokka was overcome with complete and utter panic. Rushing to him. But then, he quickly realized Zuko was just doing sit ups. The aforementioned Prince was now up in an instant wearing a worried look on his face “Is everything okay?” He asked in response to Sokka’s whirlwind of panic.  
  
Sokka could only ponder if seeing the Prince in a state of undress was fortunate or misfortunate, in response. Couldn’t argue, though, that the timing was eerie given his newly found knowledge.

And Sokka stood there. Motionless. He couldn’t help but look Zuko over. He had never seen the boy shirtless before. To be perfectly honest, in a normal state of mind, Sokka wouldn’t have wanted to intrude on Zuko’s privacy by looking him over so throughly. But, Sokka wasn’t really thinking at the moment. His thoughts were replaced by the sound of his heart thudding in his ears. Then, quickly, the light in his mind flickered back on as he looked the body over for scars.

And, much to Sokka’s dismay, his prediction was right. Zuko’s body, or at least what he could see of it, was a tapestry of scars. Yet, it wasn’t exactly as he envisioned it. He wasn’t exactly sure  _what_  he had been expecting. Burns didn’t completely cover the boy’s body. In fact, most of his scars were barely visible. Just, raised light welts that were nearly the same color of his skin. Yet, they whispered dark stories all the same. And, in that way, it was somehow worse than his expectations.

There were different burns in varying degrees of severity. The burn across his eye was certainly the brightest. Wrinkled and misshapen. Sokka hadn’t thought about it before but, his flesh must have literally caught fire to take that shape.

The other burns were more… slight discolorations. Again, most were barely visible. Cuts and small little burns littered his chest in different places. Only a shade darker or lighter compared to his natural coloring.

He had a sort-of-band around both his upper arms. These were the darkest scars, aside from the one adorning his face. The marks hung just below his bicep. These were less severe in that they weren’t horribly disfiguring but, still angry and red. Yet, they were only slightly more flushed than the rest of the scars. One might not even notice them if they weren't looking the Prince over so closely. They were… patchy… and inconsistent. As if his friend had been burnt there, not harshly, but frequently... Keen eyes scanned the outline of a thumb reprinted several times on Zuko's inner arms like a stamp. There was no denying, after the observation, that both scars were vaguely hand shaped. The burns were stretched out and obviously misshapen from the original wound, implying they were old. But the young detective could easily deduce the story that marred the skin. 

A vision flashed through the investigators mind of a young Zuko trying desperately to please his father. Maybe coming home to show his old man a new move he’d learned... Only to have that man grab him by his arms. Violently shaking him. Sokka imagined how hard Zuko would have fought to hold back tears as hands, that were meant to protect him, were instead releasing just enough heat to scald the flesh as he cried. Like a pot of hot water that wasn’t quite boiling. 

Sokka eyes trailed upwards over raised flesh on collar bone turning into beige flames that licked up the base of the boy’s neck. Indicating the burns that clung to his back were slightly more severe. Likely, not as severe as his eye. but, the intelligent young man couldn’t really get a better look without drawing attention to his surveying.

Teris movement, however, indicated to Sokka that it was too late. Zuko shifted uncomfortably. Painfully aware of the eyes locked on his scars. His fingers twitched at his sides.   
  
The Banished Prince thought about pulling up his prisoners robes which, now hung at his hips because of the sash around his waist. But, then Zuko thought better of it. It would be admitting there was something to hide. So, the scarred boy settled for crossing his arms and shifting his weight. A very token Zuko like gesture.

Sokka swallowed hard and, the statement in his mind went with it, as his eyes snapped up to Zuko’s. Golden orbs, ablaze, staring back at him sharply. It’d been a few days since Zuko had looked at him with such… apprehension. The tribesman could remember that same suspicious look gracing the Prince's features as he sat on Appa. Making a sly quip.

The water tribe boy almost blurted it out; his sort of sociopathic side showing.  _I know how you got that scar._ It sat in his throat. Choking him. He looked at the raised pink that almost forced the boy’s eye closed. Part of Sokka wanted to reach out. To touch the scar and apologize. But, he shook his head at his own thoughts and Zuko gave him a quizzical look in turn.

“You okay buddy?”

He couldn’t do that. Not to Zuko. It’d hurt his damn pride too much. And, honestly, it wasn’t in Sokka’s character to be so… up front with his comforting. And... maybe that was a good thing- given Zuko’s pride and all.

Sokka couldn’t blame the firebender, in this regard. He was the same way.

It then dawned on Sokka that there was no way he could just go up to Zuko, out of the blue, and comfort him. The darker boy found himself silently thanking the gods he hadn’t accidentally blurted out something so crass. There was no easy way for him to bring it up without it looking like he pitied Zuko. And he knew Zuko didn’t want nor need his pity.

Maybe it’d be better if he waited for Zuko to bring it up to him… Sokka frowned at this thought.

Equally as troubling was the fact that Sokka suspected Zuko might never bring it up.  
  
“Everything’s fine… It’s just…” more silence.

In that moment Sokka suddenly recalled being awoken at the air temple. It had been two nights before the duo had left for the Boiling Rock. The warrior had stirred due to the yelps of another. From the way the Prince had been screaming, Sokka had thought his team mate was being attacked. The boomerang wielder had burst in the room, without a second thought, only to find no one was there but the firebender. The water tribe boy had been annoyed with Zuko’s unjustified anger at his, albeit unnecessary, jump to rescue.

_“I thought I was saving your ass. You jerk.”_

_“I’m sorry. But I don’t need you’re saving.”_ The Prince had hissed it like he had once done all his statements towards the tribesman. Back when they weren’t allies… that is.

Sokka felt a pang of guilt at the memory. But, he pushed it aside. Feeling guilty wouldn’t help. _'Besides it’s not like I knew back then.'_

No, what Sokka needed was a plan. And the first step being was… well… maybe he shouldn’t be looking at Zuko’s scar if he wasn’t going to spit it out already. So he opted to look at Zuko’s healthy eye and say, “I’m nervous about going to see my dad.”    

Zuko rolled his eyes. And, Sokka winced at his own excuse. It was now a little too transparent, to Sokka, what the other boy must have been thinking, _“Oh, you’re nervous to see **your** dad?” '_

In truth, Zuko wasn’t really thinking anything so vindictive. Although, Sokka wasn’t exactly at fault for his paranoia.

Rather, the elder teen felt extremely relieved that Sokka hadn’t asked him anything about his scar; given how he had been gawking at it. The firebender tried to rationalize that the boomerang warrior was just being an absent minded dope. The Prince hoped the other teen didn't know his secret.   
  
Zuko also found it sort of funny, in a way, that Sokka was nervous about seeing his dad. Zuko had heard so much about Hakoda these past few weeks. He doubted the man would be displeased to see Sokka. Quite the opposite, actually. Zuko didn't begrudge the other boy. Although, he couldn’t help but think that Sokka  _was_  lucky. And, _that_ sentiment savored strongly of bitterness. 

“Why?” Zuko asked, “I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.”

Sokka shook his head unsure of where his lie was going he just let his lips keep moving, “I don’t know. I guess I just feel kind of guilty for leaving him…” and something surprisingly truthful came out. He found himself leaning against the wall, surprised to actually be confiding in Zuko when he had came here to comfort him. A moment of weakness. Just like on the air balloon. The man made him feel… unguarded… He wasn’t entirely sure why.

Zuko leaned on the wall with him. Giving Sokka a brief glimpse of his back. What he saw was a notable contrast to white skin. Most of the flesh was a little pink, but he couldn’t assess how badly the youth was burnt. The water tribe boy felt his jaw become tense again. He found himself hoping he got a piece of Ozai himself. He let that dark feeling wash over him for just a moment.

 _If Aang can’t finish him I will._ Sokka thought ominously.

Zuko looked over at him. And the Prince noticed how they were almost the same height. Almost. “I don’t think your dad blames you. You did what you had to. You were saving the avatar. Living to fight another day is honorable. He wouldn’t blame you for that. In fact, I’m sure he preferred you did something so responsible.”

“Yeah. You’re right. I just…”

“Can’t ignore your guilt?”

“Yeah.”

“I know the feeling.”

Sokka looked over to see Zuko looking away, almost wistful. And then the older teen smiled at him with soft yellow eyes. When Sokka concentrated on just his good eye he couldn’t help but notice that Zuko was kind of handsome.

“Yeah?” Sokka asked attentively. Eyes betraying him by welling up with sympathy, as they glanced over scarred skin. 

“So quit worrying and go see your dad already.”

 _'Zuko doesn’t deserve to be scarred.'_ The tan teenager thought.

Sokka forced a chuckle. “Yeah okay.” He went to push himself off the wall when he noticed the dinner roll in his hand. He looked at it a bit miffed. And then shoved it towards Zuko.

“Here. I’m sure you're sick of prison food.”

Zuko quirked a brow, “ _You’re_ giving  _me_  food? Aren’t you the one that’s always complaining about being hungry?”

“Hey. I’m not _always_ complaining!”

Another golden eye roll. But it’s in good humor. A warm smile painted the slightly taller youth's features. And Sokka can’t help but think that even with the scar Zuko’s still handsome. In a rogue-ish sort of way. He shakes his head feeling a little disgusted with himself. Unsure why he’d even think something like that. He’s dating Suki.

“I just wanted to thank you.” shrug “You know. For coming with me and all” 

Zuko seems skeptical for some reason. And, Sokka worries that Zuko knows that Sokka knows. Then the Prince clarifies, “You don’t really need to thank me. Besides there are better ways of thanking me than a stinky dinner roll you’ve been manhandling”

But, The banished Prince takes the roll anyways.

Sokka notices the pause his heart gives when Zuko smirks at him and says, _“there are better ways of thanking me.”_  As if the Prince might be implying something dirty. And his cheeks heat up at the perceived implications. Leaving the water tribesman to shake his head violently.

The Prince quirks a brow, "You're shaking your head a lot for no reason." as he takes a small bite of roll to which, Sokka smiles.

"Sorry, I have a lot on my mind."

"You think too much." 

"Katara thinks I don't think enough."

The prince pauses, "Hm... You know that's sort of true."   
  
"Hey! Fuck you."

The Prince gives him a devilish smirk again and Sokka feels glad to have offered the small gesture of kindness. As he leaves he decides he’ll bring Zuko more food from his tray more often. ‘ _He deserves that much for now.’_  And Zuko watched the shutting of the door with more morose features.

Not even fully shut; the Prince was already quickly pulling up his robe on. The sound of the lock echoed through the cell as the teenager found himself shivering at the feeling of cotton against his scars. He couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong. Remnants of his younger self cries to the present Zuko that the other shoe must drop. 

The slow movements of Sokka’s eyes had set his scars ablaze. He had tried _so hard_ not to shift around uncomfortably under the Water Tribe boys gaze. Phantom pain was bringing back even more painful memories. Begging to be remembered. Zuko refused to give his masochism the pleasure. The Prince sat on the bed unsure of what to make of the whole interaction.

The conversation had felt real enough. But contrived and forced. As he stared down as his half eaten dinner roll the Prince couldn’t stop the mantra in his head.  _He knows._

At first the repeated phrase is sung in a state of shock. He knows. With long pauses, in between. As if he can’t believe it. Or more so, doesn’t want to believe it. But, now that he’s had time to come around to the absurdity of it all- He drops his gifted dinner roll. Because both of his hands seem to be favoring his now slowly dampening forehead. The scarred boy feels dread work into his shoulder muscles causing them to creak and pop into a state of stiffness. The repeated words throb at the edge of his brain. Hammering panic into his mind. There was no other explanation for Sokka’s actions. _He knows._ But now the beats of the sentence thud faster. More afraid.

_He knows and he’s going to tell. He knows that I’m weak. He knows and now he thinks less of me. He knows and they’re all going to know. He knows and they’ll all know I’m weak. He knows that I’m weak. He knows and they’re going to ask me to leave. He knows that I’m weak. He was coming to tell me that he was going to leave me here. That’d they’d be better off. Because I'm not worth the trouble. The avatar has no need for someone like me._

Tears were welling in his eyes as he dared, for a moment, to pity himself. As if he deserved it.

 _I don’t want to go back. Not now. Not like this._ If the traitor Prince was lucky his father would kill him. But all his luck was used up. He was lucky to be born, after all. Zuko's scars hurt as if it they were all fresh. As if he’s laying on the stone floor of the stage. Cold. What should be reprieve to his hot skin. Is instead a torment to his burning flesh.  _Fathers going to… Going to…_

He skews his eyes shut knowing the thoughts are irrational.  _Aang isn’t cruel._ He tells himself.  _And neither is Sokka._   _None of them are cruel._ His eyes spring open as it dawns on him that pity was probably more likely. Sokka pitied him. Zuko can’t help but feel sick because maybe that’s worse.

 _‘He was coming to tell you he’s sorry. But, he thought of his loving father while he looked at your scar.’_ And that stung. Made him wince then scowl. Steam coming out of his nose as his breath hitched.

* * *

_He’s hardly lucid the day Azula comes to see him. Uncle’s slumped over. Asleep. Her arms curl around his bed post just as she had done when they were children. This, of course, was her usual routine when she comes to torment him. Always twisting around. Almost like a dance but, less graceful. Flaunting._

_“How you feeling Zuzu?” She almost sounds concerned. Zuko knows better. Even in his weakened state. He knows not to trust her._

_He’s confused. He doesn’t remember anything. All he knows is pain. His body has been completely absorbed by it this past hour. Throbbing everywhere, even his fingertips and toes. Everything aches in a spiral. And the source is his bandage. And for the life of him he can’t remember why._

_But he still remembers not to trust Azula. It’s embedded in him. He could have complete amnesia, forget he was a Prince at all, and he would still remember that.  So, he groans but says nothing. That’s all he can muster._

_“Aw can't talk?” she flopped on the bed. She smiles almost innocently and her eyes are wide and gleaming. A sign she’s about to do something horrible. She hops on all fours with one hand outstretched. Zuko tries to flinch away. The sudden movement wakes the old man._

_“Hm what?” Iroh quickly sits up, on alert. But he’s too late._

_Quickly her hand darts out. To an outsider it may have looked like Azula was caressing him sweetly. But her hands are much rougher than they appear. Boarding on groping._

_Zuko is agony. Screaming and sobbing. Twisting in a panic to get away from him. To the fire scorching his face. But, a rough hand on his hair keeps him in place._

_“AZULA!” Iroh roars. Snapping Zuko out of a memory he can’t quite remember. The Prince continues trying to squirm away from the burning even though her hand is gone. Zuko almost registers that he’s never heard Iroh sound so angry as he withers away from his sister. The agony is starting to fade. But, his eyes remain skewed shut as he tries to make himself as little as possible without hurting his aching muscles. Till, just the throbbing remains. It’s welcomed now._

_He can feel them struggling on the bed. Over top of him. Iroh’s knees are on the bed beside him. Careful not to touch him. Azula isn’t as kind. But when is she ever? She stomps on his side knocking the breath out of him. Iroh is quick to pull her away from him. Off the bed._

_“I was just trying to comfort him uncle.” She’s trying to sound afraid. But Zuko knows better._

_And then, Zuko hears a loud slap. So, he flinches away again. Because he assumes someone must have hit him. It takes him a moment to realize he didn’t actually feel the slap. So, he opens his eyes and he’s greeted to the site of Azula’s face dazed and confused. Her eyes welling with real tears. And a very prominent red mark on her cheek._

_Uncle is holding her in place. One of her thin wrists held within one of his large hands. The other is rigid and flat. still in position after it's strike._

_“AZULA!” His uncle is sputtering in furry. It scares him. Because, it's so out of character that Iroh would hurt Azula. And Zuko hates the unpredictability of rage. It’s incredibly uncomfortable but he draws in his knees despite his bodies protests. Just to be ready for the inevitable._

_Iroh takes a deep breath calming himself. But steam still simmers from his nose and breath, “If you ever hurt Prince Zuko again-”_

_Her eyes widen at the start of a threat. Then narrow._

_"He won’t be a Prince for much longer!” She yells as she pulls her arm away. No false sweetness in her words._

_His stomach flips. He’s going to be- He turns his head before he can finish the thought. Because suddenly the smoke from burnt flesh fills his lungs. He's trying to sit up. But he can’t. He crashes back down throwing up on himself and his own pillow. Sputtering and choking as he does so. His uncle is by his side in a moment. Lifting his head out of his own vomit. Careful not to touch his bandages._

_“Pathetic” He can practically hear her sneer. “I can’t wait till you’re gone. Banished prince Zuko” She says Prince mockingly._

_“You’re lying.” He tries to put some bite into the accusation. But it sounds like a plea, even to his ears. He looks over at her. Feeling desperate. Hoping against hope that he might see the lie on her features. But, he doesn’t._

_“Believe what you want Zuko.” She looked away. Her eyes indifferent. Almost as if she pitted him. Maybe for a moment she did. And then she looked at him and said, “I know **our** father would never hurt **me**."_

* * *

Zuko’s eyes are fixed on the roll on the ground as his hand rubbed soothing circles on the back of his own neck. He curses himself for the weakness. For allowing himself to remember her eyes. And he thinks of how much he _really_ didn’t want Sokka’s fucking pity.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Sokka and Hakoda father/son moments. Or, Hakoda being a good dad. Mai makes an appearance and, she definitely needs some therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the tags because, I will probably update them with each chapter. There is a lot of implied sexual content in this. But, nothing terribly explicit.
> 
> Also: I'm worried I kind of made Mai out to be the villian? That wasn't really the plan. I just see the dysfunction in the Maiko relationship and wanted to explore it. So, please don't think of it as a total Mai bashing. I like Mai. She just needs therapy.

"Zuko’s on our side?” Hakoda asks incredulously, unsure of what to think of this new information.

“Yeah, I know... I had the same reaction. But, honestly, I wouldn't have gotten this far without him! He’s actually a pretty cool guy.” His son replies nonchalantly, as if being friends with the _Fire Nation Prince_ was somehow _normal_.

Hakoda rests his head against the wall, contemplating. He can’t help but make a face at this new development. The father worries, for a moment, that this Zuko character is pulling the wool over on his son. But, then he realized that feat wasn’t easily done anymore. Sokka was a man now. A good one. One who makes the right decisions. Although, Hakoda would never use the word _‘cool’_ to describe a fire bender. The Chieftain almost smiled at his own cleverness. _But, he didn’t because smiling would give the joke away._ The older man opened his mouth ready to repeat his thought out loud. His son, was sure to groan in that disappointed way that kids do when their fathers crack jokes. But then, Hakoda noticed that Sokka was sulking beside him. His joke could wait. 

“What’s the matter son. This Zuko kid hasn’t hurt you has he?” Ire rises inside him at the thought. ‘ _Why I’ll-‘_

“No Dad. That’s not it.”  

“Then what’s up?” Sullenness was not an emotion Hakoda was used to seeing on the younger boy's face.   
  
Sokka looks away, “I’m not sure I should tell you… I think it’s a secret?”

Hakoda quirks a brow at this. A secret? How close was he to this… _firebending person_ , “You _think_ it’s a secret?”

Sokka sighs at the bite in his fathers statement, “Well he didn’t _exactly_ tell me. So… I can only assume he didn’t actually want me to know.”

The veteran suspects that he’s already privy to what his son is about to say. He had heard the legend of the spoiled banished Prince on his journey. He remembered believing this story to be fake. A wise tell to warn children to remember their place. To respect their parents, if no one else. The Chieftain had assumed it to be a falsehood because, in Hakoda’s mind, there was no way _even Ozai_ could hurt his own child. Spoiled or not. To do such a thing would be cruel. But he asks anyways, “Know what?” And Hakoda hopes he’s wrong.

Sokka fidgets uncomfortably under his father’s gaze. He turns to look at his dad and sees that there’s a knowingness in the elder’s eyes. _Stronger than usual._ Maybe he doesn’t have to tell the chieftain the story? Sokka doesn’t know if he can stomach it. So he asks, “Do you know the story of how the Prince got his scar?”

Hakoda nods, “I… did not think it was true.” He quietly adds.

With a grave expression on his face Sokka replies, “It’s true.” The younger man’s eyes spark as if remembering something forgotten, “ _W_ _ell some of it’s true_. He has a scar. But, Zuko doesn’t act anything like the story version of him.”

“Maybe not... But you _did_ mention he changed.” Hakoda was quick to point out. A little too quick for Sokka's liking.

 _‘Of course.’_ , The younger thought, ‘ _He doesn’t actually know Zuko_.’

A voice in the back of the young boy’s head is quick to chide in response, ‘ _you don’t really know him either_ ’.

“No. I thought about that too. But… No one changes that much. I think he’s still the same Zuko. The same Zuko that chased us, even. He was just on the wrong side before. He was angry and confused.”

“Well he definitely didn’t have the best example…” there was a part of Hakoda that still didn’t want to believe it was true. Partly because he didn’t want to feel sorry for the Prince of the **Fire Nation**.

Sokka visibly tensed at the statement, “You can say that again.”

There was a long silence before finally the boy added, “I want to help Zuko… But I’m not sure how. I’m not good at this whole reassuring thing or… whatever… like Katara is and... I don’t think I can ask her for help.”

The elder quirked a brow.

"She's not a big fan of Zuko."  
  
_'Though, it would certainly help if she was,'_ Sokka thought. He can’t help but think back on a time when Aang needed comfort. The boy who had slept in the iceberg had awoken to find everyone he had ever known was gone. And Sokka hadn’t known what to do or what to say. It was Katara who, unsurprisingly, calmed the airbender out of the avatar state.

The younger tribesman is snapped out of his thoughts by a hiss from his father, “Your sister can hold a grudge.”

“Yeah…” Sokka trails off remembering all those days of silent treatment.

“You know, Sokka… Just because you found out does not mean you are obligated to help this... Zuko… Kid.” His prejudice still clings to his words.  

The statement stings a little. Hakoda can see that on the young warrior’s face, and regrets his words. _'Maybe I should give this kid a chance. My son obviously cares about him'_

“Yeah But, dad…” Sokka can hear a whine starting in the back of his throat. He takes a deep breath. Hoping his voice normalizes a little, “I think it might be important to talk about this before the… well… you know.”

“Oh. I suppose you have a point.” Hakoda hadn’t thought about how this might affect their final battle. Assuming Zuko actually fought with them. “That is a rather wise prediction for you to make Sokka. It would be… unfortunate… if someone were to use that information against him... at that moment... It could prove fatal.” 

“But, I don’t know what to say, dad.” He can hear that whine rising again. But, it subdues into a sadder tune by the end, “I want to help. But, Zuko’s a really proud guy.”

“Understandable. He was probably groomed to be that way so he wouldn’t talk about the abuse.” His father said it in a matter of fact kind of way. More to himself than, to Sokka. The teenager winces once more.

There was a long pause again, likely due to the sensitive subject matter. At last Sokka adds, “He has other scars.” It’s not a smooth transition but it needs said for some reason. Likely, because Sokka needs this feeling out of his chest. It feels like there’s a whirling inside the cavity. It tears at his gut and threatens to suck the wind from his lungs.  

“Hm” The elder internally muses how, _that wasn’t really surprising._

“I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. Because… It sounded so violent.” He’s gesturing with his hands. Like he does when he’s formulating a plan. But, now it’s more nervous “That kind of abuse probably doesn’t start at your father burning your face off.”

“Yes. That is, often, the case.” The Veteran tenses. It crosses his mind that, his son takes after him in many ways. Hakoda was never sure how to comfort people either. He often told stories. When advice was warranted, he tried to speak honestly and hope for the best.  _‘Does anyone really know?_ _I think we all wing it’._

“So, I went to his room. I’m not sure what I was thinking. I didn’t really have a plan. I just wanted to help.” Sokka takes a deep breath. He’s unsure why his speech is coming out so nervous, “And so I walk in and he was shirtless because he was working out or whatever. And… I saw the other scars. Well… the ones on his chest anyways.”

Hakoda braces himself for what he expects to be a really rough story based on his sons, likely accurate, analysis. 

“They don’t seem to be as bad as his scar. I mean. The one on his face.” _He’s used to only referring to the one_ , “But Ozai must have been really cruel to Zuko. I think that’s what makes the other one’s just as horrible. It wasn’t just the one time. It was alarmingly consistent.” Hakoda notices the clear scowl on his son’s face. He’s use to seeing his features so… stern. It seemed so uncharacteristic of his son. But, sternness remained engraved in his features as he recounted a mantra of scars. And at last, Sokka trails off. Unsure he can finish. Imagined scenes playing in his head again.

And quiet overtakes them.

“I just don’t understand!” Sokka, at last, bursts the bubble by punching the wall behind him. He then looks to his father with pleading in his eyes, “How could somebody do that?”

“Do you want reasons?”

Sokka glowered at his boots. “Maybe…? I don’t know.”

“Well…” Hakoda started to explain. This uncomfortable conversation was reminding the elder of a time when he had to talk about the dark subject of war to a much younger Sokka. Trying to explain why people hurt each other to an innocent child wasn’t easy. He could remember how, at the time, he hoped the conversation would be hypothetical. That hope was, of course, naïve. It was only a matter of time before the Fire Nation brought the war back to their shore. “Sometimes people hurt their children because they’re frustrated with their life and other circumstances beyond their control…”

Sokka looked unimpressed with this explanation. So Hakoda restarted, “Sometimes people want to feel powerful-”

Sokka couldn’t help the grit of his teeth when his father says this. He punches the wall behind him again and it hurt his hand a little this time, “Ozai is the fucking Firelord! And he needs to hurt a kid for a power trip?! WHY?”

"Language, Sokka."

His son sighs, aspirated. He looks as though he's going to retort but, then thinks better of it. 

“Calm down, son.” He reached out to put his hand on Sokka’s shoulder. “I know this is really frustrating to think about. He’s already a pretty powerful guy…” The man paused for a moment. Trying to think back on that conversation so long ago. Sokka had asked questions like this too, back when he was a child. The boy always had been a quizzical sort, “You know… It’s possible something bad happened to Ozai. And ever since then he’s felt weak. Maybe all he knows is hurt. He thinks in terms of ‘you hurt me and I’m going to hurt you back harder’.”

Sokka still didn’t look convinced.

Hakoda sighs, “And you know… Some people. They don’t have the capacity to love others. There’s a void where their heart should be. And they hurt others because they can no longer love anything but themselves.”

Sokka looked over to him. As if to say ‘ _Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s the one_.’ His almost hopeful eyes were met with the shaking of his father’s head, “What?”

“Do you remember when I had to explain war to you son?”

“Yeah. But, this is different.”  
  
“Yes. It is. It’s very different. And, I’m going to be honest with you Sokka... even if I could lay out all of Ozais reasoning, bare for the whole world to see...” He was gesturing now just as his son often does, “I doubt we could pick out any one thing to explain it. It was probably a mix of all the things I mentioned. Maybe even more. But, I think the most important thing to remember is: What Ozai did was wrong. And the _‘why’_ doesn’t really matter now. What matters, now, is Zuko. Not Ozai. His father did a horribly cruel thing. Nothing he could say would ever justify it. At least, not to _me_. ”  

And with that Hakoda pulled Sokka into his arms and the boy instantly melted into his embrace despite being a fierce warrior. Neither said a word. Hakoda was overwhelmed with pride for his son. Sokka had grown so much since his father left him on that shore. More so than Hakoda had grown at Sokka's age. Sokka was a man now. But, this man in his arms was still his son. And Hakoda was still his father. And, like most parents, Hakoda wished he had the power to bare all these burdens for his son. Yet, despite this unrealistic pray all Hakoda could do was guide him.  

Sokka’s head was swimming. He couldn’t help but feel the complete and utter comfort that came with hugging his father. All at once he felt overwhelmed with love and guilt. He was trying hard not to think about how lucky he was because, it felt too close to gloating. He tried, even harder, to fight the tears that inevitably came. Feeling so much empathy was suffocating. And with tears came silent sobs that turned vocal. Internally, Sokka couldn’t help but scold himself as he babbled incoherently. Because, _he shouldn’t have been thinking of himself right now_.

The young boy wasn’t sure why but he started telling his father, in between sobs, the story of how he froze Katara’s hair. During Sokka's fits of silent crying Hakoda thinks, as he pets his son’s hair, ‘ _Hurt is funny like that son. I can remember being that age. How, pain can come at you in indistinguishable waves. All the things we try to hide eventually come pouring out… I wish I could take this feeling away from you Sokka.’_

Sokka started repeating how sorry he was when, to his surprise, Hakoda laughed. 

“Don’t get me wrong son. That’s a horrible thing to do to your sister.” He said when Sokka looked up at him with weepy eyes. “But, to be perfectly honest, I did worse stuff to Bato. This one time I _nearly killed the guy_. On accident, mind you…” And in an instant he went into storytelling mode. Not, just because it was in the man’s nature, but also because he wanted his son to feel better.  
  
And, unsurprisingly, by the stories end Sokka was smiling and wiping his eyes. Commenting on how crazy his dad use to be. The boy paused for a moment and then said, "Sorry, I don't know what happened to me."  
  
In response Hakoda ruffled his son's hair and said, "You know, it's okay to have feelings Sokka. We all have them. Even us warriors. What you found out today was distressing. It's okay to express your own hurt."

Unsurprisingly, his son shakes his head, "How I feel doesn't matter."

"Oh, but it does. How can you help your friend if you don't first help yourself? You can't truly save someone if you die in the process of doing so..."  
  
"This isn't going to kill me."

"True. But, the same principle applies Sokka. You have to realize your own feelings before you can console Zuko." He paused trying to think of a way to put it into perspective. "Okay. Say, Zuko was facing down a platypus bear with no weapon and no bending. You rush in  _but_ , you do so without any regard for your own life...  _So,_  you are _slain_. You would be dead which would be a tragedy.  _But, also it'd be a waste._  Because, you left Zuko all alone with no knife."

"..." His son looks away, pondering.  
  
“Now... with that in mind... let’s talk about how to break out of this prison.”

* * *

  
Zuko makes a conscious effort not to think of "home". _Should he even call it that anymore?_ He doesn't know. Yet, he can't control what his mind conjures while he's asleep. As he starts to nod off his sheets begin to feel less like wool and more like silk. For a moment his head is in the lap of another and she's strumming spindly fingers through his hair. Humming a soft melody as he drifts into a deep sleep. Often he dreams of those same gentle hands pulling his hair into a bun. A soft laugh he barely remembers. She reads to him as he throws bread in the pond. Sometimes he can taste the bitterness of the tea he once hated but now desperately misses. A patient voice that once irritated him, even as a child, urges for him to remember his breath. Annoyed, he blows steam into air that is so hot and dry it smells like spices peppered it. 

This night he dreams of an old man by his bed side. Candles float in the air around them. The old man's thumb gently caresses the un-bandaged part of his forehead. He insists it won't be that bad. It's comforting. But, then Zuko starts to feel as though he's sinking into the bed like quick sand. His uncle doesn't notice. The Prince rasps, his voice catches in his throat. He wants to scream. Wants to tell his uncle he's falling. But, the words won't come out.   
  
He's sinking further and further away from his uncle. And the teenagers body is too heavy to fight it. He looks up towards a light that's slowly falling further away. The Prince can still hear his uncle plainly. As if Iroh is in the void with him. _I'_ _ll talk to my brother._  The old man then starts to sing a shaky song and tears freely fall into the void. They land on Zuko's face. He flinches slightly. But, he hurts too much to move out of the now pouring rain his uncle has caused. His uncle's uneven singing continues to fill the void. Something about a boy coming home. 

A distant noise causes Zuko to stir. His eyes flutter open and closed. His vision foggy and blurred. Where are the candles that sit by his bed? He looks up towards a window that should be there but isn't. The one that look out onto an endless sea. The one over his tapestry and swords. Where is the tapestry? Where are his swords?

He groans as he sits up on a bed... More like a bench. His back is horribly stiff. He can feel the bones of his shoulder protest against the muscles of his back. 

Zuko blinks a few times as his eyes begin to focus. The sound is less distant and suddenly more intelligible to his murky senses, rhythmic thudding. _It's knocking._  As soon as he realizes what the sound is it ceases. As if on queue.  
  
Silence. And then, "Psst. Zuko." 

As the banished Prince rubs his eyes he mentally chastises himself for being so dimwitted. Of course, there's no windows in the air temple. But as he opens his eyes a new, the Prince finds himself confused again. Questioning why the walls are metal instead of stone. Why can't he hear Aang and Toph arguing? Or smell Sokka cooking some strange meat? 

More wrapping at the door. The heavy slit of a window zips open with a clunk. He sees a pair of bright blue eyes peering in at him. 

 _'That's right. I'm in Prison.'_  The Banished Prince shakes his head. Angry with himself he didn't remember it sooner. A voice in his head tells the Prince to be patient with himself. _"It's confusing to wake up some place new."_ A pang of grief tells Zuko it was his uncles voice ringing in his ears. But, instead of comforting him it makes the firebender feel significantly worse as he sullenly gets out of "bed". 

Zuko is, of course, quick to change his attitude. There was no use sulking, he told himself. Agni knows he'd done enough of that for a life time. He quickly stands and makes his way over to Sokka just as he whispers, "are you there?"  
  
"I'm here," the elder teen replies groggily.  

"I just got done talking to my dad. We came up with an escape plan together." Sokka said hurriedly, "I heard we actually have a visitor at the boiling rock tonight. So, now's our chance." 

 _'Or our last chance, you mean'_ The Prince imagines grimly on who the visitor might be.  
  
Sokka abruptly closes the slit. Someone must be coming. Zuko can hear talking through the door. But, he can't make out what they're saying. Was it due to the thick metal walls or the rising panic seizing his throat? He couldn't say.  
  
He takes a small step back as the door swings open. As if that would aid his current situation.   
  
_'It's already too late.'_  

But the eyes that greet him are blue. He sighs in relief. Sokka is quick to grab Zuko's straw bed. In a frenzy he rolls it up yelling "Take that and this-"  
  
He looks at Zuko urgently. It takes the Prince a moment to get the memo. He never was much of an actor but, he tries to make his groan of pain believable as Sokka throws him his bed cot. Zuko, in turn, holds up the cot letting Sokka wail on it as he continues to groan.   
  
"We have a new plan but it's going to need a distraction. Be in the yard in about an hour."   
  
"No signal?" He chokes softly between moans. 

"I'll improvise."  
  
Zuko rolls his eyes, hoping he'll catch whatever random signal the Water Tribe peasant decides to throw his way.   
  

* * *

   
Zuko irrationally wonders how it is his brain hits the wood before the rest of his body does yet, still remain within his skull. His eyes roll into the back of his head for a moment as he falls through the air. The prince doesn't quite register the throbbing was due to the velocity of which he was thrown. It already aches before his nose bashes against the wood frame of a chair with a pop. His body slinks to the floor. The banished Prince half expects to be drug up into the chair he leans on. But, the guards don't touch him. He hears their heavy footsteps depart from the room.   
  
The Prince shakes violently as he grabs his bloody nose. He sees red. Barely tethered rage consumes him as he shouts "I haven't done anything wrong!" rather unevenly. His fist lashes out as he turns. Trembling but, not unsure. Zuko is convinced, for a moment, his heart must have stopped even though he can still feel the blood drumming in his temple. No one's there. He grabs at his chest. Trying to somehow placate the storm in his belly with slow breath. He wipes the blood from his nose.   
  
His whole body grows numb as he thinks of the implications of his current situation. Do one of the guards know his true identify? Have they brought him up here to settle some unknown score? That was certainly better than the _alternative_.  
  
_How can he sweat when he's so cold?_   The back of his neck is soaked and the salty sweat stings the flesh. It's chilling his spine. He hears new softer footsteps approaching. Zuko hopes, desperately, that he doesn't look up to see the boiling rocks _visitor_. 

He jolts when he hears a familiar voice calmly sigh, "Now Zuko." His head jolts upward to see the cold dark eyes of the girl he left behind, "We both know that's not true."   
  
His breath hitches. Zuko wasn't expecting Mai to be the visitor. The anxiety that once clung to his skin melts, leaving him with nothing. Is that an improvement? Zuko isn't sure. His heart doesn't thunder like it might explode. Instead it feels like he's in the void of his nightmares. Sinking. But, no one's here with him. There's no singing. He's all alone.  
  
Zuko shivers as he dares to maintain eye contact. Her eyes are fierce. Resentment bubbles within the tears she wills not to fall. He's never seen her glance hold so much emotion.    
  
Finally he finds his voice and he brays, "Mai?"  
  
She crosses her arms like he's in trouble. _'I suppose I am in trouble. I did leave her.'_ he looks down at his torn shoes in shame.   
  
For a long time they say nothing. What is there to say? Mai had been thinking on her speech all the way here. The note in her hand is slightly crumbled along the edges from the way she grasped it, lividly, during fits of sorrow. But, she smoothed it out every time because she didn't want to destroy his farewell letter. Her last piece of him. One time she let herself brush it against her skin as she cried in the privacy of her bedroom. It smelled like him. She let herself remember his embrace.   
  
Her mother would have been ashamed. Mai looked down at the quaking Prisoner at her feet. Her mother was already ashamed.  
  
_"He's a disgrace." Her mother hissed when she found out, "You're a disgrace. You're ruined." She said it with such theatrics the ember island players should have wrote in and asked for her agent, "When everyone learns that you- that you-."_  
  
_'fucked the traitor of the Fire Nation?' Mai wanted to provide. But, of course, she didn't have the tongue to say what she was thinking. She never did. She bit her lip in a feeble attempt at composure._  
  
_Of course her mother had found fault in that too._

 _"The least you can do is look decent at this time. And look at you. Biting your lip like a commoner. Your lips will chap. And then what will-"_  
  
_She felt so small. It would be better for everyone, especially her parents, if she just disappeared. If she made herself small enough... Maybe it'd have the same effect._  
  
Mai winced at the memory, at her own weakness. Then she turned another sharp glare at her ex boyfriend. He was continuing to lay on the floor like some-"Zuko have some pride for once and sit down on the chair. It's hard to talk to an insect." Mai immediately frowned at her own words. That was too harsh. She could see it in the way Zuko skewed his eyes shut. His hands dart to the back of his neck as if he's in pain. Hiding his face. Wallowing in self pity,  _no doubt_.  

Mai opens her mouth. Wants to apologize for her wicked words. But, something in her is simmering.   
  
_'You're supposed to be angry with him.'_ she mentally fumes _'he dumped you!'_

Mai wants him to answer for what he did. With a bad taste in her mouth she remembers how, at one time, she had wanted Zuko to be the answer to a question she did not know. Was it purpose? Her everything? That was so not like her. Mai wasn't the type of girl to swoon. Yet, she had started to before the end. And, Zuko's leaving had the undesired effect of only vindicating Mai's machoism. The melancholy teen felt reassured because she had never truly let him within her walls. He was obviously going to hurt her. _She was right._ And, he still managed to do just that _anyways._  Mai could only imagine how much worse the pain would have been if she hadn't been holding Zuko at arms length the entire time.   
  
The Prince pulls himself off the floor to sit in the chair. She stares at him. He stares submissively at the floor. She sighs.   
  
This was a typical fight between them. Or... the falling action of one rather... They were missing the Zuko blow up in the beginning. That's how it always was. He would fly off the handle in a frenzy. She would snark at him. He would calm and then, mourn his own actions. She'd continue her verbal assault. Water welling in her eyes as her mothers words echoed in her mind. And, she found herself repeating the same vile things to her Prince. Sometimes his tantrum would erupt again, all anew. It could go back and forth for hours. But, it always ended with him cowering and listening to the malice. Their relationship was toxic. But, it made her feel less small. 

This wasn't supposed to be her.  
  
And yet, it was.  
  
Because here she is, hurling insults. Encouraging him to fight back.   
  
"How did you find me?" he croaks  
  
"Because I know you _so_ well." she spat with such venom Zuko flinched. The statement obviously burned as her temper boils.   
  
Zuko let's out a disappointed groan aimed at himself as he grabbed his forehead.   
  
"Truth is," She exhaled, "I guess I don't know you." The gloomy noble dramatically held up his letter. Zuko, in turn, looked up at her with wide eyes. She could see it on his lips. _'I'm sorry'_  But, Mai didn't want _sorry_. She didn't know what she wanted exactly. But, _sorry_ certainly wasn't it.   
  
"All I get is a letter?" She almost yells. But, somehow she reigns in her feelings. "You know you could have looked me in the eye when you ripped out my heart out."   
  
Zuko's slumped his shoulders. He looked up but, didn't endeavor to meet her gaze. "I didn't mean to-"  
  
Mania boils over, "You didn't mean to?!"  

His eyes dart towards the floor.   
  
"What a piss poor excuse."   
  
He shuts his eyes, brows knitted together.   
  
Mai can hear a voice telling her to stop. _'He might deserve your anger. But, that doesn't warrant taring him down.'_ She refuses to listen. Instead the non bender flicks her wrist as she pulls the note into her view. "Dear Mai," she's trying not to lose her calm demeanor "I'm sorry you have to find out this way but, I'm leaving-"

"Stop!" He says it with snarl. She almost smiles because a sick part of her missed the dysfunction. Loved her feral dragon not totally subdued. The beast turns his head towards her, where she towers over him. With a sharp inhale and a long exhale his fury dissipates, "this isn't about you." The embers under his lashes smolder, "this is about the Fire Nation!"

The calm demeanor makes something in her snap, "Thanks Zuko." she nearly hisses "I feel so much better." Her words somehow stay even despite her shaking frame. It takes every fiber of her being to keep her restraint so that she doesn't slap his face. Just, as her father would have done if she had shown such insolence. Instead she threw the letter at his head. The cranky teenager wanted to add 'I hate you'. Mai had a strategy for their verbal warfare. She knew from experience a remark of animosity during a decisive moment could bring him crumbling to the floor. The regret only hits Mai when he's totally defeated. Apologizing in between sobs. Tears would shine in her own eyes while she comforts him. Always vowing that she'll never be so dreadfully mean ever again. She knows what it's like to be reduced to tears by words after all. She does have empathy for Zuko. Unlike her parents.   
  
_Why would I want to inflict that sort of pain on someone I loved?_  
  
Mai rationalized that even she get's caught up in the heat of moment, just as all people do. She mimics the words that have burrowed deep inside of her. The phrases that control her. And for a glorious moment she sees the tables turn and the noble woman grasps the opportunity to control the emotions of somebody else.   
  
But, that isn't Mai. _Not really._ At least, that's what she tells herself. That's her mother. Her father. Not her. That's why she feels such horrendous regret, _right?_ She isn't a total monster. She can control herself. She won't do it again. But, her appetites always get the best of her. She craves hurt. Anything to feel less small.   
  
Zuko jumps up, "Mai..." His words are soft but, she can see her Prince's resolve, "I didn't want you to get hurt..." He trails off shutting his eyes. His own words seems to hurt him, "But, I have to do this to save my country." 

Mai is the one to flinch this time, _'He's doing it again.'_ something within her snarls, _'Not looking you in the eye as he rips out your heart.'_

_Make him look._

"Save it? You're betraying your country!"   
     
Those golden orbs are knowing, wise even, as he says "That's not how I see it."

The non bender crosses her arms, turning away. This time there's something intense about the glimmer in his eyes. She can't face it. Why couldn't he have this much resolve about their relationship? Didn't he care about her at all? 

She casted a sideways glance at him. Worry in her features. Her Prince was looking away but, that serenity hadn't faded.  
  
For some reason she remembers all those stolen moments in his bedroom.

* * *

 

***This passage contains sexual content***

_Zuko always kissed her with such feverishness it made her head spin. Devouring her in his passionate heat. It was easy, for once, to get swept up in the moment. The first time Zuko must have asked her a dozen times, "Do you want this?" as his kisses trailed down. He worshipped her body as if she were a temple. She loved every moment of it. Never before had she took up space in this world and enjoyed it. For so long Mai felt as though she had no purpose. She wasn't a bender. Wasn't poised and charming enough. For so long she had been looking for a purpose- for an answer. But, Zuko loved her anyways. Maybe he could be her answer._

_"Sure." but, he stops. "What?" she almost sounds aspirated._  
  
_He sits up with one of her legs still draped over his shoulder, "I want you to be sure about this."_  
  
_"I said sure?"_  
  
_"No." He blushed, "I mean... I want you to want this. To want me. Why are you so indifferent to this?"_

 _His words stung. She knew he didn't mean to hurt her. Yet still, she hissed "Well, maybe you aren't that good." But, that wasn't true._  
  
They had done everything that might lead to sex. But, they hadn't copulated yet. He fumbled a bit. At times it was awkward. Still.. Every touch- The way his hand pressed against her arousal- His head in between her thighs- it had made every part of her sing.   
  
_But, Mai worried even in the throws of passion... Was it unattractive to be loud? Should she not bite her hand? She didn't know. But, she couldn't possibly ask. That would be too forward. So the noble woman chokes back her moans and tries to keep her flushed face as neutral as she can muster. She had tried so hard. But, apparently she was wrong._  
  
_Or maybe Zuko was the one who was wrong? Maybe he was a disgusting pervert? That's easier to believe. Because being wrong is intolerable. She's the daughter of a governor. She couldn't possibly be wrong._  
  
_But, when Zuko's face falls she feels tears pricking at her eyes. How can she be so cruel. She sits up. Her leg falling from it's perch as she puts her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." But, she said it. And now she could never take it back. She kissed his tense jaw hoping he wouldn't dissolve into tears. He doesn't. He kisses her back. And, for a moment all is right with the world._  
  
_But, then their clothes are off- their bodies are writhing against one another- then she notices his lack of interest. At first she tries to encourage him. Entice him, even. Slowly his arousal returns and he's able to enter her. But, it doesn't stay that way. he keeps apologizing. Which only makes her feel worse. He says he's nervous now. But, she doesn't believe him._  
  
_She pushes him off, "Oh, you're one to talk about indifference." That was it. The straw. She broke him for a moment. And for a moment she was so hurt she wasn't even sorry. All she could think of was her mothers words. Who could love a girl so plain?_

  
***End of sexual content***

* * *

  
_'I guess he never loved you'_ a voice in her head quips. It sounds like her mother.   
  
Zuko turns from her completely and she's about to say something even more hurtful when a guard barges in.    
  
"I'm here to protect you ma'm."  
  
"I don't need any protection." Mai snaps. 

She can almost hear the smirk behind her, "Believe me she doesn't." Mai shoots the disgraced Prince a glare.   
  
The guard made his way towards her disregarding the statement as he lists off his orders. A bell rings through the walls of the prison as he walks. He stops for a moment to look around as if to say, "But, we're on lock down."  
  
Zuko sees an opportunity in the gait of the old man's walk. He shoots fire at Mai's feet. Careful not to hit her. The guard, clumsily, jumps to her rescue. Or, rather... body slammed into her... knocking her down.   
  
The Prince leapt forward. Slamming the door behind him as he turns on his heel. The lock engages with a snap. He looks up from the handle to see black glassy eyes starring up at him. They said everything and nothing all at once with an inaudible plea. Zuko opened his mouth wanting to apologize. But, he know's that isn't what Mai wants. A single tear streams down her woeful face. For a flash of a second he sees his own reflection in those heartbroken orbs. His throat suddenly goes dry. It's all to much. He can't face the woman he betrayed. So, he ran. And Mai was left thinking, bitterly, that no one could be her answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I ended up moving states and my life kind of got away from me. I do plan on updating this more frequently. Also, if you're interested I updated the last two chapters. I think I fixed most of the errors and I added some things here and there. 
> 
> And, seriously, thank you guys so much for the kudo's and comments! They've made me so happy on the darkest of days. I will try to get around to replying to all of you! And, I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suki and Zuko becoming pals. Suki being a badass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNING*** THIS CHAPTER GOES INTO THE FUCKED UP SIDE OF WAR. The fucked-up-ness of children experiencing war. There's also a bit more gore in this chapter than in previous chapters. 
> 
> So, just to be clear, Sokka is experiencing a lot of PTSD from war.
> 
> I'm thinking I may bump the rating up to M? I feel like the subject matter I'm delving into is getting too dark for T... I hope this doesn't inconvenience anyone.

The Prince bounded down metal hallways towards the roar of rioting. He wasn't sure what the plan was exactly but, he could only assume this was Sokka's doing.  
  
_"No signal?"_

_"I'll improvise"_

The alarms echo was as good a signal as any. The muscles in his legs began to spasmed in protest, reminding the Prince he hadn't stretched in a while. Throbbing that begged the young boy to stop. But, the exit was so close. He didn't dare heed his body's warning until he was lost in the chaos of the yard.

The sharp split ends of shaggy hair bit his pale face as he turned his head to survey the halls left behind. But, instead of red walls the Prince is greeted with a blur of motion. Something is moving at him so quickly he doesn't have a chance to observe what it is at first. He barely has time to anchor himself. The young firebender is able to catch the projectile by it's... arms? It's a person! A guard- mer inches from his face. The older man had leapt into the air to attempt a capture of Zuko. Latching onto the aggressors arms had the misfortunate effect of their heads colliding with an "oof", due to the guard's momentum. Zuko, being more spry, collected himself quickly. The trained swordsman tackled the torso of the large man sweeping the officer off of his feet. Sliding into a front stance the Prince slams the guard into the ground, conveniently freeing himself so that he could run towards the mosh pit of fireballs.    

Golden eyes glance back once more and calculate that he is a safe distance from the holding block. The Prince puts his hands on his knees as he stops to catch his breath. Zuko's heart was still racing when he heard "Lee," in a loud voice. The immediate tug at his robes causes the scarred youth to nearly jump out of his own skin. 

"Sorry," The voice exclaims. Zuko turns to see that it's only Suki who stands along with the rest of their party. He had nearly ran past them.

Suki's eyes are just as tired as his own. She smiles at him sweetly though, despite this. He makes an effort to smile back in between deep breaths. The bemused furrow of the girl's brow shows that she's privy to the fact that it's a tad forced but, doesn't mind.

Zuko appreciates that the Kyoshi warrior remembers his alias so naturally, even now. Even though it was totally unnecessary within the mayhem of the prison riot. He almost comments as much.

Sokka often forgot Zuko's fake name and as a result called him "Zu-Lee" rather often. While Zuko would never vocally admit this, he found the slip up slightly endearing... In a platonic sense... _Even though the slip up was a tad life threatening._ The Prince suddenly found himself coughing but, nothing is catching in his throat. It occurs to the firebender, in the midst of his coughing fit, that it's a little unfair to compare the two in this instance. Suki was a spy after all. 

Turning back to the smiling Earth Nation girl Zuko feels reassured things might go their way still.

In the beginning, talking to Suki had been really awkward. The first time she tugged on the banished Prince's sleeve it had been on the way to breakfast several mornings ago. It felt like yesterday. This action had baffled Zuko. He couldn't conceive why she'd entertain the thought of his company. Then it dawned on the Fire Nation traitor that Suki at least  _knew of_  Zuko. Being within the unknown is scary. Zuko knew this. Being  _alone_  in the unknown is even worse. So, in a way, the Prince had experience in this too. He wanted to help- to be there for her. He felt partly responsible for her imprisonment so, it was the least he could do. Zuko rationalized that, while he was no Iroh, he could be a comfort to the women by being present and being quiet. This was how their relationship started, mutual silence.   
  
Zuko had expected things would stay the same since well... _he burnt her village to the ground_. The banished Prince didn't expect her forgiveness nor, did he feel entitled to it. He honestly doesn't remember  _which_  village it was she hails from. His stomach churned at the memory. He deserved the opposite of forgiveness.  _He deserved scorn._    
  
It was definitely a surprise when Suki began talking to him, as if they were already friends. Surprising.  _Unwarranted._  But, pleasant. It certainly made the labor go by faster when they chattered away. Within a few days they had exhausted most topics you reserve for an acquaintance. While their talks of recent hadn't been terribly personal they were a lot more friendly than the previous days. The Prince felt that the two of them got a long really well.  
  
Suki was unlike any girl Zuko had ever known. Granted, he had only known a few girls personally. Suki was perceptive, almost as much as Azula. She knew when Zuko wasn't feeling well and she acted as though she cared about his feelings. It seemed strange to Zuko that she wasn't taking the chance to exploit them. She would ask him what he was thinking when he felt overwhelmed. At first he hadn't known what to say. He landed on "nothing." But, eventually he opened up to the Earth Nation girl, at least a little. Most of the insecurities that came pouring out were about his uncle. And he found that she was more than just perspective; she was caring too. She was funny- sarcastic but, not at all mean. She was not overly bubbly yet, she wasn't morose either. Suki, above all else, was just fun to be around. Friendship was still uncharted territory for Zuko... _Were they friends?_ He didn't want to assume Suki's feelings but, he felt they were becoming something like friends. He wanted to be her friend. Is that something you can ask someone? _'Are we friends?'_  
  
"ZUKO!" Sokka shouted "Good, we're all here."  
  
"I see you started a riot." 

"Yep!" he announced proudly though the coy look Suki aimed towards her boyfriend made Zuko wonder if Sokka had really started it. The imposter guard then pointed up towards the tower, where the warden stood staring out onto a sea of insubordination. "We need to get to the warden."  
  
"And how do we do that?"  
  
Sokka furrowed a brow "Uh, I... don't know."  
  
"What?! I thought you thought this through!?" Zuko practically growled.  
  
The Water Tribesmen squeaked in response, "You told me it was okay not to think everything through!"  
  
Zuko grabbed his own hair feeling aspirated, "Yeah not everything. But, this is kind of important!" He could feel the heat of anger welling in his chest. _Breathe._    
  
"Sokka" Suki joined in. "For the love of- Do you you even have a plan Sokka?"  
  
_"Of course I have a plan."_ Sokka said indignantly  
  
"It doesn't sound like you have a plan," The spy chided. 

"I do... It's just... _flexible."_  
  
Zuko snorted, his anger starting to dissipate. Sokka didn't sound terribly convincing. The situation was a little funny even though their freedom was at stake.

The younger teen then said defensively, "Hey, when have I ever let you down before?"  
  
Zuko gave him a pointed stare as he crossed his arms. Sokka wondered how it was the Prince could convey all the memories of recent with a single look.  _'I guess I haven't been the most reliable person this mission,'_ Looking up at an irate face the Water Tribe boy could hear a voice in the back of his mind repeating thoughts from a few hours ago,  _'Zuko's handsome even with his scar'_  The warrior shrugged at the thought. "So, my dad and I were talking about stealing the gondola-"  
  
"Right and, kidnapping the warden." Suki pipped up causing Sokka to jump. He hadn't expected to be interrupted. 

 _'Another glare?'_  Sokka thought a little offended at his girlfriends sharp gaze, _'How did I manage to piss them both off so quickly?'_ He had to shake it off for now, "Yeah! And, you know, since the prison currently has a visitor-"

"It'll be active!" Zuko beamed excitedly. 

"Will you two let me finish a sentence?!" Sokka exclaimed. His words echoed frustration yet, a smile painted his features as he looked up fondly at the firebender. Sokka thought it was nice to see Zuko enthusiastic. It made his chest tighten in a way that didn't feel horrible.  
  
"So..." Zuko hissed "the plan is?"  
  
"I'm working on it!" The planner huffed  
  
It was then their new comrade and fellow prisoner chimed in, "Uh, I think your girlfriends got it..."

Suki artful traipsed across the heads of prisoners. Soared through the air towards one of the balconies, quickly making her way up to the warden. Climbing. Hooking her feet onto a bar to fling herself up. Twirling like a dancer. Poised. Precise. Her mind clear as she perches on the ledge so that she can, moments later, lunge towards the guards protecting her prize. Try as he might, he can not evade her. She moves with deadly accuracy. Almost punches him. The vengeance may taste a bit too sweet though. He's unarmed. Not a threat. The Earth Nation girl holds onto her pride and turns away from indulgence.    
  
"You wouldn't dare." The warden practically spits in her face. She uses his own headband to gag him. The sight is priceless. It makes the Kyoshi Warrior smiles sweetly; innocent. "Sorry Warden" she cheerfully sighs, "you're my prisoner now." 

 

* * *

 

Grey irises glance back at Sokka as the female warrior states, "We're almost there." 

They're running so fast wind tangles his hair as he looks over towards Suki. He opens his mouth for a response that never comes as he spots red out of the corner of his eye. Fire blasting towards them roaring up and licking the air. The Water Tribe boy slides his feet but it's too late, he's going to be engulfed by flames. Blue eyes shut tight as their owner braces himself. He puts his arms forward. But instead of painful heat the peasant feels something pull him back. Reflexes kick in and his eyes open. Pupil's dilating to accompany the bright light. There's a flurry of quick furious motion his mind can't make sense of and then the fire bursts and disappears.  
  
Despite not being burned the swordsman can feel a phantom throbbing in his right arm. He glances down but, all he sees is that thick white line stretching across dark skin.

On the day ash turned the snow black, a much younger Sokka had foolishly charged at a seasoned warrior. The Fire Nation warrior had fillet the flesh on the young child's arm when he had tried to defend himself. The scar left behind was nothing more than dead skin and an ugly reminder. And yet, somehow, when the wound was threatened it would burn in that icy way it did that day. As if his skin could remember the pain and was thus preparing his mind for that unforgettable sight of carnage and a glimpse of bone underneath.  

Gold sears as it looks back at him tearing the peasant from his thoughts. Sokka's mind finally registers that Zuko had been the one to pull him back; saving him from the fireball. The Inuit can hear the echo of "thank you" in the back of his head but, his lips aren't reacting accordingly. Instead he continues to blink at the Prince for a moment, as if dumbfounded.

Said Prince turns his attention back towards the attackers before them "back off!" he commands with authority Sokka hadn't heard on his breath in a long time, "we got the warden."   
  
The previous aggression subsides into begrudged compliance as the men and women lower their weapons. The shine of sun glinting off metal disappears as they sheath their swords.   
  
The traitor Prince turns back towards Sokka who can feel the adrenaline already thumping in his ears. The ocean in his bright orbs glimmer, impressed, as he admires his Fire Nation friend.   
  
He wants, again, to thank him. But, Sokka is interrupted with "Come on let's go!" the firebender wastes no time sprinting towards their destination.  
  
The ex fake guard quickly out runs the prisoners and is one of the first to jump. His boots meet the metal floor of the gondola with a 'thunk'. Sokka was their leader after all. He needed to guide them. Stay ahead. Sokka smiles at his own competitive nature. The slight jealousy at Zuko's calm and sure demeanor is almost playful. He tries to think of a quip to tell the other teenaged boy as he feels their container sway slightly, like a boat plowing through the ice moving at an agonizingly slow pace. Slow. Steady. Sturdy. Sokka didn't even notice their squad lacked said teen until he turned his head, expecting to see the pale boy beside him. Instead Sokka was met with the torso of their much larger new friend who carried the warden over his shoulder like one might a child. The warrior's ponytail swishes through the air as he turns a panicked gaze towards the dock. They're already five feet away but, Zuko is still on the dock kicking at a lever. Dreadful seconds trickle by as if they were hours. 

Sokka hastily grabs the railing of their vehicle. It feels as though his lungs expand, squishing his heart. The invisible force of fear must be pressing against his chest. Flattening it. What will happened to the traitor prince if he stays on the dock as the rest of them go free? _'They'll execute him'_ , his logical mind provides. There is no other option. _'They'll publicly burn him at the stake'._  The warriors mind reels at the sudden memory of a shrill noise.

* * *

 

***TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENCE***

 

_The gang learned, rather quickly, while staying within the confines of the Fire Nation just how cruel they could be._

Sokka's gut twists as his subconscious relives the ordeal within an instant. 

_Screaming._

_The kind so piercing you know their throat is already raw._

_Katara pressed her hands against Aang's own. Both pairs laid purchase over the young boys ears. Screaming. It echoes off the walls._

_Sokka thinks bitterly that Katara's own suffering was pointless. She was subjecting herself to the terror- same as her brother. A futile attempt to shelter the Avatar just a little bit longer. But, it was just that, futile. Screaming. Pure agony permeates the space around them. The preteen sobs violently in the tribe girls arms. Glassy eyes look up at Sokka, pleading for him to do something. Anything. But, there's nothing he can do. It made the older warrior feel disgusting. Even more so than when he had explained it to Aang earlier that same evening; ushering him away from the crowd before they lit the pyre. Now they sat in Hama's house listening to the spoils of war. Sokka wishes he could be back in the confines of his frozen shore. The screaming starts to die as the unseen victim melts away. Cheering can now be heard over the roar of flame. _Bile burns in his esophagus. He wishes they had never found the iceberg._ Then even the sounds of the mob dies. The crackling that eventually resounds through the village is, likely, all that remains of the victim. How could Sokka ever envy the life of soldiers as a child? This was hell. War was hell.   _

 

_***END OF VIOLENT CONTENT***_

 

* * *

 A well placed kick severs the lever into two.  
  
Sokka wants to yell but only rasps because now they are at least eight feet away from his friend. Yellow eyes look up at him, determined. _'He's going to jump.'_  An image of Zuko boiling in the lake below floods his mind as the Prince jumps.  _'He's not going to make it'_. Sokka stretches his arm out anyway. He hold his breath, expecting to barely brush fingertips. The beating in his chest is already breaking. He's doesn't want to watch his friend die. 

But, by some miracle, Zuko's fingernails dig into Sokka's wrist. The sting doesn't even register as the tan warrior grabs at the milky white arms. If he could feel the sting, it would be liberating. The peasant pulls up the Prince. Both of them pant in the safety of the gondola. Staring at each other.   
  
It takes a moment to calm his thundering heart. Breathing in then breathing out again. Deep breaths. The boomerang warrior can't help but gawk at the other blankly, for his mind was blank after the pit fall of panic. 

The words, "You saved me." pulls him out of his trance. 

"Yeah." Sokka takes another deep breath. The static in his panicked mind starts to clear, "Now we're even" he quips.   
  
Once he catches his breath that flash of Zuko boiling alive returns to the forefront of his mind, "What were you thinking?" Sokka snaps as he stands up straight. 

Zuko looks a little taken back at the sudden change in mood, "I'm making it so they can't stop us!"          
  
Sokka blinks in response. Undeterred by the near death experience, a younger part of his soul is wondering: since when did all of them become so hardcore? The way his girlfriend had taken out the warden had been nothing short of badass and now Zuko had risked his life to ensured their freedom. The water tribe boy nodded his approval, "Way to think ahead." Now that Zuko was safe Sokka thought about how this prison break stuff was all sort of cool; albeit in a somewhat terrifying way. This relief, however, was short lived. For, they soon spotted another obstacle peering up at them from the bay. 

Azula.

Zuko says it before Sokka has a chance to, "That's a problem."

"Yeah no kidding." his voice cracks a little as he says it. Sokka could recall the other encounters with the princess, most of which were a disaster. But... they were pretty far away. Sokka analyzed. _'And she can't exactly air bend her way up here.'_ Even from this distance Sokka could see that her eyes were calculating. This was Azula after all. 

Breath hitched in his throat threatening to choke him as Sokka watched, with dismay, Ty Lee quickly jumping up to the wire. Azula did not hesitate to follow behind. Using her aqua colored fire to propel herself upward.    
  
"This is bad." Zuko groaned

"Yeah no shit." Sokka looked over to Suki. She had a very different look on her face in comparison to Zuko. The Kyoshi warrior's face seems to radiate determination as she sneers, "This is a rematch I've been waiting for." confidence echoed in her stance.   
  
Zuko's voice wavered slightly as he joined in, "me too." He looked noticeably less confident than Suki. But, his resolve was just as clear. Veins popped out of his wrists as his hands balled into fists. Black locks fell over his face in a tussled mess as his eyes locked onto the relative accelerating towards them.     

Sokka felt even more unsure than Zuko. But, there was no option for flight, they had to fight.  

  

* * *

 

Silence. Tension. The moment between Azula's landing and her rise seems to span on infinitely. Her eyes scan them over, assessing their strength as a duo. Maybe, they should take advantage of her hesitation? _'No. That's what she's waiting for,'_ Sokka's eyes widen in realization. She knows Zuko is impulsive. Sokka opens his mouth. Wants to tell Zuko not to shoot first. But, the water tribe boy can sense the Fire Nation prince won't move unprompted. Was it fear- or a calculation- that made the older boy hold his position? 

It didn't matter. He obviously wasn't going to give in to his sisters wishes. 

The situation was like knowing someone has just entered the room without making a noise. No shadow. No steps. You don't look over at them. _Don't have to._ For some reason you can just _feel_ them there. It was like that. Sokka could just sense Zuko wasn't going to move, even without looking at him. 

The left corner of her lip slightly upturned. A warning. A rattle. And then she quickly knelt down. Sweeping her foot across the ground. Striking up blue light. The Prince was was quick to jump forward and dispel it.

The trio quickly fell into a rhythm. Azula on the attack. Zuko on the defensive, always ready to parry the Princess. The colors of ice and passion mingling together as their sparks swept past Sokka's head.  Then the peasant would seamlessly switch places with the Prince, delivering a blow with his sword. Sokka had never felt so in sync with another comrade. It was as if the swordsman could predict the firebenders movements as well as his own. In a weird way, things were becoming fun again as the two danced around each other deflecting the onslaught of blue. The reality of the situation came back, full force, as a well placed stab nearly impaled Azula's head. _This wasn't fun._ He could have killed her.

That... would have been the end of their misery, _sure_.

A mental image of Azula's eyes wide and then unfocused flashed through Sokka's mind. Blood streaming from the entry point.

_Screaming from a raw throat. Unnatural in it's high pitch._

Sokka gulped, happy that the Princesses had just barely side stepped him. Large golden eyes peered up at him from a less than graceful stumble away, so similar to Zuko's. _Desperation on his sisters flushed face as she tries to unfreeze her hair. But, she's so cold she can't bend properly._ Could Sokka have watched Azula's eyes fade into the abyss? Something in that wild glance told Sokka she knew it too. He had nearly killed her. Sokka wondered, briefly, if that was Azula's first brush against death. He doubted it.   
  
A scream. Not unnatural but, even. Real. It's happening now and not back then. It's saying something. The line. What about it? His adrenaline soaked mind tries to make sense of the phrase grabbled in his headspace. Something about a line. 

Zuko seises the moment within the untethered glare of his sister and blasts at her feet. She dispels it and fires back, aiming at his body. There's something less... rehearsed... about her movements. As if she and Zuko are on the same page now, rather than her being chapters ahead. With a wave of a hand the Prince dismisses her flames just as easily. He then takes to firing at her shins once more. His form this time is flawless even Sokka, a none bender, can see this. The hit is solid; she has to leap for she knows she'll lose her footing otherwise. Her brows furrow, pensive, as she strikes once more. This time she targets his face with fury glowing off of her own. Zuko quickly disperses the sky colored fire into the air with fists. For the first time during this fight Sokka glances over to his friend and sees tension in his temples. 

The sight of the pale jaw clenching makes the silver stripe on Sokka's arm burn. The younger teen can't help but wince at the sympathy pain for the banished Prince. He knows the throbbing in his sliver of a scar must pale in comparison. The momentary distraction causes Sokka to slip when the... world? turns? No, just the gondola. 

He falls backwards. Another yell. This time from the pink acrobat, "they're about to cut the line!"

Something in his mind, a kin to a realization, _almost_ shifts. The line. But, he can't make sense of his own thoughts as metal slips past him. He tries to grab at the slick surface but his nails only buckle in response rather than digging into the material. He shouldn't but, he looks down as his body bounces off the tin roof. Nothing but bubbling water below. And there is no final thoughts. No _"this is it"_. Just like all the other close calls- his head was just static and a wordless acceptance. And, luckily, just like all those other times- a bright light- a void- neither great him. A larger hand firmly grips his own. Sweaty and hot. 

Panting as his feet dangle off the edge. Boiling water below. His stomach flips and he can't look at it anymore- waiting for him. 

He can hear Azula say something cooly, "then it's time to leave."

Why? 

Teeth are clenched as the Prince grunts. Nostrils flare. Panic swirling in the embers. Another hand grabs Sokka's wrist. Pulling the teenager up. As his knees are greeted once more with stable footing Sokka looks back at their attacker. She looks as though she's considering something. Hands ready to fire. Would she really hit her own brother now? Send him spiraling down to an agonizing end? The smile on her lips- the grim acceptance on Zuko's- _Screaming_ \- bile burns at the back of his throat. 

She puts down her hands. Her smile is almost sweet as she shoots up in the air like a comet, "Goodbye, Zuko." 

Sokka stands by the Prince, hand in hand. He glances over at the taller teen and watches as the boy blinks dumbly at the two descending girls. Free hand tugging at the hair on the back of his neck. Red flesh, again, peaking out from under the dark hair. Time slows for a moment as Sokka's brain finally deciphers the scream.   
  
CUT. THE. LINE.      

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai faces down her demons while Azula is consumed by them. Lots of flashbacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year? Sorry in advance this chapter is DARK. Also, I have some good news... I think? I plan on making this much longer than expected! Before I was thinking this would be around 5 chapters. Obviously, that is not the case now. So, hope you guys are excited for more coming in 2019! I promise the next chapter is a lot happier! 
> 
> Also I made a tumblr! 
> 
> https://wickedgigi.tumblr.com
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter does include child abuse, suicidal thoughts, and references to suicide attempts.

**Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts/Attempts, Child Abuse and Gore Throughout Chapter** 

 

A gust of wind, like ice, slices against the vain popping out of her tense wrist as another blade whirls out of the sleeve.

_What am I doing?_

Even she doesn’t know.

Pinning down the guards one by one. Her arms moving, as if by their own accord. This hadn’t been her intention when she was escorted out onto the bay. But, she had heard an explosion of words, “CUT THE LINE” Watched as the now lone gondola swung vicarious in the air. Two figures still balancing on top of the metal cage, holding each other steady. She could barely make out their features. But, one of the blurry figures had a spot of red peeking out under a mess of black. Zuko.

In a flash, everything came together and before she could really strategize her leg darted out and tripped the man tasked with protecting her. She had thrown two knives at the knees of his pants for good measure. The first of many, many more.

Now, with every guard that falls down a sickness builds within her. She can hear the verbal assaults without her mother even being here. She was a disappointment. A traitor. How could her father ever show his face again in public? Her vision is starting to blur with tears as she kicks the pulley; freeing the rope along with her ex-boyfriend. She wills the water back causing her eyes to sting a little.

Looking up at the gondola she can barely make out which figure is his. The left side of her lip slightly upturned. He was probably looking down at her with this stupid dumbfounded look. Over emotional as always. She never failed to smile awkwardly at his glassy eyes, a sick impulse.

It wasn’t hard to imagine where she learned this from. _Her mother always smiled when Mai cried, “you’re not really going to cry now? ARE YOU?” making her feel small._

Meer weeks ago, Mai had recounted such memories to Zuko like a flat tune as they laid in bed after another failed attempt at romance. She tried to keep her voice even to show it didn’t matter because it didn’t really. The healthy side of Zuko’s face grimaced, “that’s so mean.”

Mai knew that. But, it hurt when Zuko said it. Made it more real. “You’re one to talk,” she had growled with eyes fixated on his scar. Her reflection mirrored in horrified eyes. Making her feel less small.

Mai had learned so quickly how not to show emotion, les she be mocked. Those hard lessons were tested around Zuko and, generally, she failed. The boy was always a whirlwind of sharp feelings he emanated so strongly that even she could remember what it once felt like to feel something, _anything_. It was addictive. Even his anger. Especially his sorrow. A sick part of her drank it up. And, of course, every time she fed upon his draining feelings that twisted side of her would feel a little less small.

 _It was wrong_ , her mind echoes again. They were wrong for each other... Weren't they? So why…? _Why is she here?_ Starring as they run away? Dooming herself to endless torture for no reason- the avatar didn't stand a chance- Zuko would die a traitors death in the coup- She was only adding herself to that tally.

 _Why? Why? Why?_ The word was starting to not even make sense in her own head. Just syllables of gibberish with no meaning.   
  
Maybe... a desperate hope of prolonging the inevitable? That’s so pathetic, isn’t it? But, it feels so true. If it were all to end here she could never change her mind. Sure, she knows the weren't written in the scrolls. But, if he died now... She’d never be able to flip her finger to Agni and yell “fuck fate”. So, if the gondola fell she wouldn’t fall to her knees and cry- she’d dive in with it. Feeling that strongly is _so_ unsettling. She isn’t even sure if she could be with Zuko ever again anyways- regardless of second chances. How could she forget the humiliation he put her through?

A maroon phantom on the top of the summit stops to watch her. Based on its erratic movement Mai assumes he's talking. She wonders what it is he's talking about. Is he thinking about her? Something stings in her chest. Maybe she should have let them cut the line.

But, then she remembers all their time spent together as children. Even before she had _**liked**_ Zuko she had liked him. He had come to her when she was sulking. Had asked her what was wrong. Had tried to cheer her up. It’s what her admiration was originally born from. Zuko was her true childhood friend. Not Azula.

So… No. She could never let Prince Zuko die. Even if he can’t be with her- she wants him to live. Not just live but, to be happy _somewhere_. He deserved a chance at it. Maybe every person does- despite what her parents think. Maybe most people aren’t as different as they say.

Zuko wasn’t her answer. But, somewhere hidden in this act of mercy, she knows that eventually she could be her own. 

A sharp sound cuts through the air like one of her daggers pulling her eyes away from the empty summit, “What are you doing?” She knows who it is without even looking.

Shit, she forgot the Fire Nation still executed traitors. Maybe there wasn’t time for her to find anything- much less answers. But, she was closer than she was before. She could live with that… Or… _rather,_ die with it. She lets out a long breath through her nose, feeling truly calm. There’s nothing she can do about it now. She can at least meet the end with grace so she sighs and quips, “Saving the guy who dumped me.”

Azula grabs her roughly by the arm. Reminding Mai of her dear old mother. The morose girl is tempted to snarl at the thought. But, her face stays cool and level as she’s lead to the area prisoners are generally executed.

The idea of death is almost serene. No more would she have to hear just how wrong she was. The voice in her head that sounded so much like her mother- telling her to be poised- stoic- always counting the calories of every bite of food she took. It would stop. There would be no chairs to slouch in, no emotions to show and nothing left to count.

But, maybe that could be true even if she’s thrown in prison?

She smiles slightly at the thought. It would certainly be ironic if being in a cage meant true freedom. 

As Mai is thrown to the floor she wonders if Zuko and company had gotten off the island yet. Should she feel joy she saved so many lives? She feels almost hollow now sitting by a pyre.

Azula jumps down in front of her Mai, yellow eyes ablaze. Screaming. But, the silent girl tunes her out as she watches dark brown eyes looking at the two in dismay. She feels a little guilty leaving Ty Lee alone with Azula. Just like her mother Azula loved to hurl the same sort of insults. Righ now she was yelling _“He never really loved you”_ This is making her tired. But, then again, Mai was always tired. Hating herself and everyone around her was truly exhausting.

But instead of tying her up Azula pulls Mai to her feet. They plan to fight this out instead, it seems. Azula knows, of course, she’ll win. Mai knows this too. But, at least she’s providing her friend with that last gift of dignity. 

Mai meets Azula’s eyes again as they prepare for a final standoff. Something in those fiery orbs is untethered. But, it wasn’t surprising to Mai. She watched that beautiful face twist into something savage and ugly Mai’s mind flashbacked to the young prince’s banishment once more. 

 

* * *

 **TRIGGER WARNING: SCENES DEPICTING CHILD ABUSE**

 _Zuko and Azula’s relationship was always weird, at best. But, ever since their father ascended to the throne it became down right bizarre. Their whole family was bizarre now, even more so than Mai’s. So… Mai wasn’t fazed when Azula acted strangely, particularly in regards to her brother. Mai was never very fazed by anything to begin with._

_But things were… weirder than usual…_

_Zuko often hung out with their little group. Even though it was considered a little inappropriate without a chaperon. He argued Azula sufficed enough. Honestly, Mai preferred Zuko’s company over his sisters- even before growing to love him in that way only adolescence seem to feel. Intense. Just seeing them makes your heart stop. Your face heats up. You stutter and stumble and lose your composure. But, you can’t tell anyone because they just wouldn’t understand. No one in the history of forever has felt the way you feel now. It’s silly and fun even if it is a tad agonizing. But, she liked Zuko before all that. Zuko was different from a lot of nobles. Zuko was nice._

_If Mai thought about it objectively Zuko wasn’t all that attractive compared to the other noble boys she could pick from. He was scrawny, which was considered unattractive by Fire Nation standards. He also bore many scars from various training accidents, which was also considered unattractive. Showed weakness. In truth- the most attractive thing about Zuko to the other girls of the palace was that he was the crown prince. Nothing is more attractive than power, after all._

_But, Mai didn’t mind his scrawny appearance or his scars even though she was supposed to. Even before he was crown prince she found his eyes so- She’d then try to shut her feelings up. Try not to think about Zuko too much. Smiling is un-lady-like._

_It was a reprieve non-the-less when Zuko graced them with his presence. Ever since they turned 7 they spent time training as a team. Honing their skills. Talking politics. It was all incredibly dull to Mai. But, then again, everything was dull. Zuko always had something odd to say. Coming in unannounced to tell the trio there was a nest of turtle ducks by the pond that just hatched and ‘oh-you-guys-you-just-have-to-see-them’. He was always spontaneous, impulsive._

_It was Mai’s second favorite thing about Zuko: his overzealous love for life. Even if she were allowed to- Mai doubts she could ever care that much. Just watching Zuko… It was a tad draining. He cared so much and all the time. How was he not perpetually exhausted?_

_Then their father took the throne and bit by bit Zuko and Azula both changed. Zuko didn’t lose his love, his passion, or his impulsiveness. But, he started to lose his head. His temper would build up slowly… With every cold look their father gave him. With every insult from Azula. Zuko was simmering. Eventually it would boil over and he’d practically being throwing a temper tantrum at whoever was misfortunate enough to receive the brunt of his rage._

_Mai couldn’t help but wince a little the first time. It caught her off guard. But, quickly, she’d change her attitude and look onto the outbursts with indifference. Most of these hissy fits were aimed at Azula anyways._

_Azula was always bossy. Always a perfectionist. Even before her father took the throne she was indifferent to cruelty. Now it seemed she actually sought it out. Along with firebending Azula seemed to be taking lessons in hurting others. She was incredibly skilled in the art of hurt._

_One day Zuko found all the turtle ducks dead… burnt to a crisp… he had screamed at her in a moment of righteous fury. Azula had cried as Zuko shook her._

_“Why would you do that? What’s wrong with you?”_

_“Ow. I don’t know what you’re talking about! Let go of me!” Azula was an impressive actor but, Mai wasn’t sure she could act that well. Or… maybe she could? If it was all a lie she certainly fooled their father who had pulled the two apart. He gave Zuko a murderous glare to which the boy flinched. But, he couldn’t entirely jerk away from Ozai who still held his arm in his hand. The firelord opened his mouth, as if to say something. then Azula interrupted, “Father he embarrassed me in front of Mai and Ty lee!”_

_Dark eyes lit up, as if with realization. He then curtly told the two to go home. As if he just remembered they were there. He told the girls that they had ‘family matters’ to discuss. And something about the way Azula looked at Zuko- as if she were gloating… It told Mai everything she needed to know. It was the first time she really felt true bitterness towards Azula. Not the petty childish disagreement kind. But, real resentment._

_While walking towards the palace entrance Mai could still hear the faint yells of Ozai. Her sympathy towards Zuko morphed into anger. Why had he gotten so angry? It was just a bunch of turtle ducks. Was it really worth being scolded over?_

_Ty Lee had said dimly, “I wonder what happened” her arms behind her head as she looked up at the ornate ceiling._

_“You know what happened, don’t be stupid.” Her mouth in straight line, a little bored of the situation already._

_“Azula wouldn’t do something like that!” her big brown eyes full of admiration and love. It made Mai worry- even though she didn’t want involved. Ty Lee was Azula’s best friend. And something felt so off about how Azula treated her as if she were garbage. And Ty Lee accepted she was filth. It was unsettling. But, Mai didn’t want to care. Those two can work out whatever weirdness amongst themselves._

_Azula acted especially weird on the day Zuko had bragged to Mai and Ty Lee that he was going to kick the shit out of some ‘asshole’ general. And, as always, his cause seemed very noble._

_Azula couldn’t seem to help herself though. As Ty Lee looked up at him with wide eyes “wow you really think you can defeat him?” Azula had laughed. Her face twisted in an unnatural way. Her smile wide- strangely so. Grinning from ear to ear. But, she looked as though she was about to cry. It was weird. But, their family was always weird anymore._

_“Are you guys going to come?” Zuko had asked with a hopeful smile._

_Ty Lee had sighed disappointedly. She had homework that needed finished by tomorrow and she hadn’t even started yet. He then looked excitedly to Mai. In response she sighed with indifference, “I can think of a million better things to do than watch two sweaty guys roll around together.” But, in truth Mai had the same homework to do. Otherwise she’d go. She would have been super unpleasant about it- but, she would have still gone._

_He frowned a little, “That’s fair enough.”_

_He turned towards Azula. Looking as though he was about to ask her something. Her smile widened even more, which didn’t seem possible. It practically stretched her features. And despite her watering eyes there was a fake kindness in their shine “I wouldn’t miss it.”_

_Had Azula known? The thought made Mai apprehensive of her ever since. She knew Azula was cruel to things beneath her. Things that didn’t matter. She had witnessed her kill many small creatures. Backhand the faces of servants. But, they were supposed to be different: Mai, Ty Lee, Zuko. They weren’t bugs, or turtle ducks, or servants. Zuko was supposed to be different. He was her brother. The thought of Azula conspiring- Of Ozai conspiring- to cross him off the line for the throne. It made Mai sick._

_It couldn’t be true. It was just too horrible. Even for them._

_Azula had been the one to tell them about the Agni Kai. It was the first-time Mai saw Azula completely untethered. The smile practically carved into her snarling face. Her eyes wet but excited for carnage. For a moment, she looked completely and utterly insane._

_Mai supposes she was._

_“For fucks sake Azula.” Mai had rasped. Azula had looked at her intensely, eyes dilating. Mai flinched because a part of her was worried Azula was going to shoot fire at her. Would she have, given the chance and a slight provocation? “What is wrong with you?” She tried to keep her voice level but, she was trembling._

_“What’s wrong with me?!” Her voice pitched in a sharp way that stabs the ears, “What’s wrong with you!”_

_Ty Lee grasped at Azula’s Shoulders, “it’s okay.” Ty Lee was too understanding, “It’s okay to be sad.” Then Azula had done something rather unexpected- she started to laugh. Or… maybe cackle is a better term? High pitched. Wavering. Loud. So, loud it bounced off the walls echoing the chorus of insanity. Each chuckle louder and more broken than the last. She tried to gasp a breath between laughs as she fell to her knees. But, she was laughing too hard to breath. It would have been… ironic? If Azula had died this way. Especially if Ozai had planned all this. His perfect daughter finally cracking under all that pressure on the day the Firelord banishes his only son. Died laughing at the absurdity of it all. Leaving the Firelord without an heir. That had been the only reason he had ascended in the first place, right? Mai supposed that ‘ironic’ could be a word for the hypothetical situation._

_Of course, Azula didn’t die. Instead her smile twisted into agony as she continued to laugh. And tears escaped from the corners of her eyes as she wailed between fits of laughter. Ty Lee held her. She told her that maybe there was something they could do. Maybe Azula could speak with Ozai. And on and on…_

_Eventually Mai would look back on it all and wonder if Azula was truly weeping for Zuko. Or… Had she been weeping because she’s smart… and she knows if things were different… It could have easily been her? And, that’s too much for her ego to take. Because their father must love her. It was, obviously, different for Zuko. It was okay their father didn’t love him. So, long as he loved Azula- things were fine._

_Did she know now that the dynamic was threatened? Without Zuko who was there for their father to hate? Azula must have known that within a few months’ time she would have to be both the prodigy and the disappointment. It was something Mai didn’t realize back then of course. She wasn’t perceptive enough to make that prediction at 11._

_The Firelord started to sit in on some of their practices shortly after the Traitor Prince's departure. Micromanaging. He would constantly correct Azula in a way that Mai was all too familiar with. Constant criticism that is concealed as caring but is truly just vulgar and mean. It was obvious Azula wasn’t use to it. Or… at the very least she wasn’t use to it being done relentlessly like this. Azula quickly learned she couldn’t handle it._

_She cracked under the pressure of his watchful eye. She made a real misstep which caused her to slip and fall on the hard floor. One of her fingers bent at an angle which made looking at it unnerving. Her stockings ripped over her right knee exposing blood underneath spewing out onto the floor. She was badly hurt and crying._

_Her father hissed with real cruelty in his voice that crying wasn't going to get Azula anywhere. "You certainly not going to get the kind of attention you **want.** "_

_Mai had wanted to say something. To defend her friend. But, she froze. She was afraid of her own parents. But, after what happened with Zuko… Whenever Ozai had an outburst towards his daughter Mai was left with knees shaking. Imagined scenes of burnt flesh playing in her mind with Azula or herself as the victim. Worried she might wet herself as she remembers the way Zuko screamed as someone replaced his bandages. Raw waxy flesh. Eye swollen shut. Puss oozing out of cracked skin._

_Only one word could aptly describe the panic and dread that clawed at her throat leaving it dried and tight whenever she watched Ozai’s anger: terror._

_Azula’s father yelled at her to get back up, to finish practice. Azula, for the first-time Mai knew of, didn’t do as she was told. Instead she punched the floor with her healthy hand as she sobbed. Her father stomped over to her. Grabbing her by her bicep and roughly pulled her up. Steam filtering off of her skin as he did so. It left an angry red mark on her skin but, luckily, it later healed. Leaving a barely visible scar._  
  
"Daddy you’re hurting me.” Her tears this time are real.

_He ignored her plea in favor of kneeling until he was eye level with her. So that she could see his snarling face. “Get up and fight Princess Azula.”_

_His daughter paled. Then her own face twisted in anger. She yelled something. Something that she would say many times in the years following her brother’s banishment, “You can’t treat me like Zuko!”_

_Equivocating being treated like Zuko with being treated sub human._

_Ozai backhanded her. It became clear with time that Azula aimed to become just as terrifying as the man who scarred young children._

 **End of Trigger Warning**

* * *

  

“What were you thinking?” a hiss pulls Mai out of her thoughts 

“I was thinking you miscalculated.” Her eyes were sharp as she glared at her friend with something akin to hatred, “I love Zuko more than I fear you.” Her heart swells a little because it’s true. It’s the most honest thing she may have ever said.

Azula glares down at her prisoner, ready to be executed. The words spoken by her former friend burn in her mouth like ash. Words of a retort not yet spoken echo in her psychotic brain: Mai should have feared her more. Now here the gloomy girl stood- willing to be executed. And for what?

It was senseless.

Mai had no reason to save Zuko, especially at the expense of herself. As the princess grinds her teeth she wonders if this is the result of the bad parenting her father once lectured about.

Mai’s parents, though strict, must have been just as daft as Zuko’s mother. They instilled no sense of self-preservation in their child, obviously. Azula’s nose upturned. Pathetic. It would be better if Azula just strikes Mai down now, without a word. Put her out of her misery. She was useless to Azula now. Just like Zuko. Just like everyone, apparently.

“No, you miscalculated!” She snarls. But, her fingers won’t move into that electrical form.

A younger smaller part of her is recoiling at the thought of killing Mai. Paralyzing her hands.  

 

* * *

**TRIGGER WARNING: INTENSE SCENES DEPICTING CHILD ABUSE**

**TRIGGER WARNING: REFERENCE TO SUICIDE ATTEMPT**

_She doesn’t know why but, she has nightmares about her father. He’s scary even though he’s the greatest person she’s ever known. One of her first memories is of her father; butterflies flying around him as they walk through the garden. Their wings are so pretty. She just wants to look at them. But, they won’t stop flapping about. Won’t stop trying to get away from her. It ignites that sort of rage only a toddler can feel. Uncontrollable and mysterious, even to them._

_She’ll teach the butterflies not to squirm! All the butterfly is wanting after all is attention. She’s not really hurting it._

_Her chubby little fingers wrench its wriggling forms from its wings. The little creature spasms frantically in her open left palm. Trying to cope with unimaginable agony and its loss of freedom. She decides to put the wings back on it feeling sorry for it… Scarred and ugly. But, she can’t. It’s wiggling less now. It’s heads at a funny angle. She shuts her eyes so that she can see the butterfly in her mind as it once was. The toddler tries foolishly to will that version of the creature back into being. Unfortunately, reality doesn’t work the way toddlers think it should. Nothing happens. She opens her eyes to look at the gossamer clenched in her right hand. Wrinkled. Ruined. It’s mostly transparent now because the color, bled onto her fingers. She doesn’t want it anymore. Instead she feels the sting of tears in her eyes even though she’s not really in pain._

_Her father gently grips her chin so she can look up at his face. He looks proud. He smiles at her and she smiles back._

_She loves her father. But, in all honesty, father isn’t around all that much. It’s true that he spends some time with them. But he’s almost always in his office doing paperwork. Azula wishes she could sit in there with him. He tells her maybe, when she’s older. When he can trust her not to touch his desk. She already knows better than to do something stupid like that, she’s not Zuzu. But, she doesn’t say as much. She already knows not to argue with father._

_Most days she spends with Zuzu. Father tells her she’s naturally smarter than Zuzu, even though he’s older. Yet, he’s still older and as a result he taught her how to do most everything.  And everything he taught her she can almost do as well as him. Which is bad because, she’s supposed to be better. So, she doesn’t tell father that she already knows how to read. Zuzu didn’t learn until a year after she did, so maybe that’d be an accomplishment in itself. But, she’s not better than him yet. So, it was better not to say she could at all._

_He’s also taught her useless things that are… well, pointless. But, they are kind of fun. He taught her how to sing. How to feed baby turtle ducks little pieces of bread. Zuzu, despite being stupid, was very nice. Azula wonders if someone has to be smart in order to be mean. Their father was very mean on occasion and he was the smartest person she knew. Zuzu must not have the brain cells to dedicate to meanness._

_But… because Zuzu was nice, he was the one she went to when she had bad dreams. Father couldn’t stand to be woken up. Mother smelt odd now of days._

_Sometimes Azula still tosses and turns and can’t get back to sleep even when she lays down with her older brother. Every time she shuts her eyes she sees the desperate look of some small creature looking up at her. Some evenings Zuzu asks if she wants a snack._

_She says yes._

_They sneak to the kitchen in the dead of night. Zuzu isn’t quite tall enough to reach things so he has to climb on the counters. He shows her how to hook her foot in the doorways and pull herself up. It’s fun to sit on the counter especially because they aren’t supposed to even be in here. She can’t help but giggle quietly. Zuzu smiles at her. Sometimes he asks her about her nightmares. She has trouble formulating why it’s even scary. But, he seems to understand anyways. Puts his arm around her and pulls her close to his side as tears slip down her face. Crying even though she wasn’t really hurting_

_One time, when they turned on the kitchen light, they saw Uncle Iroh sipping on some tea looking very tired. Azula was afraid they’d been caught and hid behind her older brother. But, Zuzu laughs. Iroh makes them tea and says things Azula doesn’t understand as he speaks with Zuzu. She wonders if Zuzu can really understand what he’s saying since he isn’t that smart. Why did their uncle always speak so weirdly? She feels left out and wants to kick Iroh under the table but, she can’t reach. She kicks Zuzu instead._

_Zuzu plays with her when the other children wouldn’t. The other little girls in the castle are scared of Azula because she kicks and bites and burns things. Zuzu tells her it’s not nice but, can’t explain why. Or at least… he can’t explain why in a satisfactory way. “It just isn’t nice, Azula.” Is it not? She knows it’s not but, she doesn’t like them. So, what does it matter?_

_Zuzu reads to her. The stories tell her that mommies are supposed to do these sorts of things with her. Teach her. Comfort her. Chase away bad dreams. But, their mother is always in her room in the dark. Father says she doesn’t want to be with them anymore. That she’s being selfish._

_The only times Azula sees her is when Zuzu takes her food. Azula will take her toys and play on the floor while her brother sits in bed beside the weak lump. He tries to convince her to eat. She won’t. She just looks up at him pathetically with glassy eyes, red and puffy. Hair greasy and messy. She’s unnaturally thin. Face hollow. Her skin so pale it almost looks transparent. You can see all the blue veins pulsating under the thin marred skin. Wriggling weakly like cut up worms._

_Zuzu cries, begs her to eat. Begs her not to leave them here alone. Are they alone? They have dad._

_Azula isn’t sure what exactly happened. Mother was sick for as long as Azula can remember. There would be days she was fine, sure. Days like Ember Island where she was well and even smiled. But, many nights Azula would hear doctors rushing to her parent’s room. They wouldn’t see her for a day or two after. But, the last time, she never came back. It was going on a week when their father finally loudly proclaimed at their door, “if that’s the way you want to be about it then fine. Go ahead and starve.”_

_He moved into a different bedroom after that, leaving her to wallow. Or… whatever it was she was doing._  
  
_The servants had been instructed to make her food but, not to take it to her. Their father had been trying to entice her to come eat with them. She’d have to eventually, right? Zuzu started begging dad to let him take her some food. Eventually, Zuzu started to do it anyways without their father’s permission. Azula thought their father was going to be furious when he found out. But, he just ignored the defiance. Maybe a part of him was afraid their mother would starve. Or, maybe he just didn’t care enough to stop Zuzu._

_Eventually she starts to eat again. Slowly. Not much at first. But, bit by bit, she starts to look healthy again. Sometimes when they come in she’s already up. Standing by the window looking out onto the city beyond the palace._

_Sometimes she asks Azula to come up and hug her. She asks Azula about her day with rancid breath. The woman always looks at her daughter sadly, as if the shine in her eyes are replaying something horrible in her mind. The little girl notices._

_One evening Azula sees a glimmer on her mother’s cheek and so the toddler reaches out and touches her face. It’s wet._

_Her face twists and she starts to cry. Azula feels compelled to hug her but, doesn’t know why._

_As they leave to take the tray back to the kitchen Azula asks why it is their mommy doesn’t want them anymore._

_Zuzu shakes his head, “She wants us. She just doesn’t like being here, anymore.”_

_Azula huffs as she looks back at the chamber door. The palace is nice. Their mother is a dummy just like Zuzu._

_One day their father notices mom’s improvement. He compliments his son for a job well done. Zuzu seems to mutter something under his breath. Azula couldn’t hear what it was but, their father grabs him by his arm. “What did you say?”_

_Her brother twists and scratches at the offending hand, “Ow, let me go!”_

_“I asked you a question Zuko.” He says it flatly, cold, all rage gone from his voice._

_“I didn’t say anything!” smoke starts to rise from his father’s fingertips causing him to cry, “I swear!”_

_Father's large hand strikes Zuzu's face leaving the entire right cheek red. Later it puffed into a big ugly bruise. Long fingernails pierce the boys chin as they force the sobbing child to look his elder in the eye. Zuzu starts to blubber something. Saying he's sorry. Strands that spilled out of his ponytail stick to his forehead. Snot drips down into his mouth that's twisted in agony._

_Her brother screams again. His face the picture of misery as smoke, darker than before, rises to meet the ceiling. Adding shrill apologies into his agonized wails. He probably can't even hear his own father as he threatens further violence, "When I'm through with you-"_        
  
_“STOP IT!” She isn’t sure why she’s crying too but, she is. Both of them look at her. Her brother’s face a soggy mess of snot and tears as he tries to suck in air his lungs can't accept in between sobs. Her father's eyes widen in surprise, “Please,” Azula pleads desperately, “stop hurting him!” his eyes then skew into hash lines._  
  
_He drops Zuzu, who falls to the floor in a pathetic heap. Trembling and heaving as he curls in on himself. Father gives Azula a nasty look. She takes a step back, ready to flee. But, the man only turns and walks away._

_And just like that- all the praise- all his love- it’s gone. At meals, he ignores her entirely. She talks to him and he treats her as if she hasn’t said anything at all. Just continues to eat and read some work he brought to the table. One time he takes her out during Zuzu’s firebending lesson. But, he doesn’t talk directly to her. Just talks at the sky as if he’s trying to instill words of wisdom into the clouds. Finally, she cries and begs for him to look at her. But, he only takes her inside; ending their little lesson. When he takes her and Zuko out to the festival he only cares enough to make sure she’s there. He doesn’t ask her about her day or her classes. Doesn’t make mean comments directed towards her brother that make her feel slightly better about herself. He doesn’t even say mean things to her. And Azula feels she’d rather her father be mean then pretend she isn’t there._

_She almost takes solace in the times spent with her mother. But, even her time with Zuzu- which felt so vital before- feels pointless now. She wishes she was never born._

_It feels as though things would go on like this forever because, it’s all Azula has ever known. She learned how quickly things change when her room catches fire when she’s four. She can’t remember how it started, exactly. A bad dream about father ignoring her. It’s all she can think about now. And then everything became unbearably hot._  
  
_She jumps out of bed screaming as the flames roar around her. The brilliant light seems to chase its own smoke as it rises up her curtains. She sputters and coughs at the edge of her bed. Paralyzed by fear and a lack of oxygen. Curling up on a safe piece of flooring as she tries, and fails, to catch her breath. Fire is starting to consume the room. She can hear the wood cracking violently as embers rain from above. She’s breathing in but, the air doesn’t seem to seep through her throat. All she can do is cough and gag as her vision goes splotchy and dark._

_Her own name almost doesn’t make sense to her. But, then his arms wrap around her. It’s something she can understand. Zuzu. She wraps her arms around his neck and locks her ankles behind his back. He struggles to carry her because, he isn’t that big himself. There’s a loud crash. Are they dead? No. He manages to get her out into the fresh air of the hall._

_White spots over take her vision as she frantically sucks in air. Her lungs burn in a way that's unbearable as they try to greedily inhale more than they can handle. The guards come to them soon. And then their parents. Mother practically collapses in front of them grapping them both. Long fingers tangle in their hair as she kisses their foreheads. Rubbing her wet face against their own “You’re okay.” She says it over and over like she can’t believe it. Something about her mother crying makes Azula cry even though she hadn’t felt the urge to before._

_Their father walks up behind them placing a hand on both their shoulders. He doesn’t say anything. Just thumbs the material of their shirts in calm circles. He’s happy their okay too. Mother looks up at their father who smiles back down at her. She smiles softly back as he kisses her forehead. It’s the most tender Azula has ever seen the two act towards each other._

_Then her brother hisses. Their father pulls his hand away from his shoulder to reveal some gross discoloration there. “Zuko!” Their mother grabs at his arm to inspect it. He must have hurt it during the fire, someone says. But, Azula can’t remember who… Or if it was even said. Was it just her who thought it as their mother cooed over the wound?_

_Azula and her father go together to the garden and await the verdict. It’s pertinent they know how the fire started. An assassination attempt? A dropped candle? Father excitably predicts that Azula has accidentally firebended for the first time. The mark of a true prodigy. He had done the same around her age._

_Father says that it’s fortunate, in a way, that, Zuko had to go to the healer. Their mother would have been upset at the suggestion of the state of Azula’s room being her own doing._

_“Why?”_

_“Because she loves Zuko’s feelings more than she loves your success.”_

_Father went quiet, as if to let her ponder this. She thought on it for some time with bitterness in her heart before her brother and mother came to join them. There’s a patch on Zuko’s shoulder now. The burn was very light but, he’s lucky apparently. Azula pokes it to feel how fluffy the wrapping is. Her brother cries out for their mother to make her stop, that it hurts. Their mother is in the middle of explaining to Azula why it’s not okay to hurt her brother when their father interrupts. He tells Zuko, loudly, that it’s unbecoming of royals to whine. Azula agrees but, doesn’t voice that opinion. Their mother simply glares at the older man as she holds the boy in her arms away from his sister’s torment. He buries his face in her shoulder in cowardice._

_Azula begins to tremble as she glares at the pathetic display. Their father was right. She was probably a prodigy but, their mother wasn’t happy for her. She never really was. All she did was cry in her room and spend time with Zuko. That’s probably why Zuko was so weak in the first place! She didn’t care about Azula! And- for that matter- she didn’t care about Zuko either! How could she raise such a cowardice creature if she truly cared for him?_

_She grabbed a rock and hurled it at the pond her brother loved so much. She had been aiming it at a turtle duck but, her aim was off because she was so angry. She looks back to see her mother looking at her with silent dissatisfaction._

_Azula throws another. This time she almost hits one of the babies._

_“Azula!” their mother commands “What has gotten into you?” She wants to scream about how stinky and disgusting and weak mom is. But, the words don’t form in time. Instead she just sputters nonsense as she paces. Her uncle and cousin interrupt her incoherent rant. They came out to the yard to make sure they were all okay. They had just been informed about the fire._

_Uncle talks with their father as Lu ten kneels beside their mother. Zuko dares to peak from behind the fabric to look at his idol, face streaked with tears. Why was he even crying? She couldn’t have hurt him that badly. Zuko’s such a baby._

_“That was really brave of you buddy. We could use soldiers like you in the army.”_

_“Really?” Her brother gasped. Soggy face full of excitement now. Their daft mother softly smiled down at the boy as well. The whole scene made Azula sick and angry so she turned away to hurl another rock at the pond. Instead she accidentally hits the head of an old man stepping out onto the grass. He’s one of the oldest men Azula has ever seen. He falls backwards as the rock hits him. He’s so old and frail he looks as though he might evaporate there on the lawn as his shaky knees try to lift him up. She’s about to apologize when her Uncle goes to aid him. Azula looks around, did no one notice? Maybe it’d be better if she didn’t say anything._

_The man rubs his sore head as he announces that the fire started from the bed. And that this is one of the earliest records of any child having ever accidentally firebended._

_Azula looks back at her parents quizzically. Trying to gage their reaction. She knows this is a good thing. Father had told her so earlier. But, she didn’t mean to start the fire. Was she going to be in trouble?_

_Her mother looks horrified and then sad, “She’s not going to hurt herself, is she?” Her concern is drowned out by their father loudly proclaiming Azula as a prodigy. He grabs the underneath of her arms and spins her around. Azula giggles at his happy face. It looks sort of goofy on him._

_Things change after that._

_The first change was a welcome one: She gets to train with Zuzu. Before she just watched his lessons with a pouty face wishing she could take bending lessons too. There were times when her father would take her around the kingdom and talk to her about bending so she didn’t have to watch his practicing with dismay._

_It’s exciting to be learning- actually learning in a school type setting- until she learns it isn’t all fireballs on the first day. She should have known that, she’s never seen Zuzu make fire after all. It’s a lot of boring breathing. After a few lessons, she decides their teacher must be stupid. She made fire in her sleep. How hard could it be?_

_‘No wonder Zuzu hasn’t learned yet. Our teacher is a joke.’_

_Their mother no longer sleeps all day. She’s up and attentive and watches them closely. She makes a point to be there with them all day. Azula likes the praise. Even if her mother is always nagging in the same way her brother is. Telling her to be nice. She’s also glad she knows her mother’s true intentions. If this had happened before the incident she might have mistaken her mother for actually caring for them equaling. Now, it was obvious she loved Zuko more. It was both a blessing and curse that the girl was now, painfully, aware of this fact._

_Their father lets Azula in his office. He lets her color and play on the floor as he does paperwork. So, long as she is quiet things are fine. At first, she enjoys the attention. But, then she gets lonely. It feels as though she only sees Zuzu when they’re training. Because, when they aren’t training she’s in here with father. Then she leaves with father and he teaches her things the teacher doesn’t like: drive, determination. Wanting and knowing you are better than everyone else. Letting that be your inner flame. The trick to firebending was having your own inner flame; an emotion you felt so strongly you could use it as fuel. Her father says he uses pride as his. He shows her both the power and the devastation of fire. He’s honest with her about the reality of it all._  
  
_All the while he makes little comments about her brother. Comments that at first make her even more proud of herself._  
  
_Eventually the sting of loneliness felt from Zuzu’s absence starts to hurt less._

_One day she dares to ask why it is Zuzu can’t join them. “Don’t call him that ridiculous pet name. It implies fondness and ignorance on your part.” She hates when he does that. Criticize instead of answering the question._

_“Okay, why can’t Zu-ko come play with us?” she asks defiantly_

_He side-eyes her in a way that makes her wish she hadn’t asked. Then he smiles, it doesn’t make her feel better. “Azula, do you know about the food chain?”_

_“Yes, father.” She says the words through thin patience._

_“Then you know some animals like the sea crab exist to be eaten.”_

_She hates it when her father talks cryptically like his brother, “Yeah, so?”_

_“So, do you see Hawke’s befriending sea crabs?”_

_Slowly she starts to understand, “No father” Yet, her brows still knit together in confusion._  
  
_“Don’t be sad dear. That’s just how the world is,” He looks down at her distraught face with gentleness. “Be proud that you are a Hawke.”_

_“And… Zuko is a crab?” His smile widens very subtly. He doesn’t nod to confirm this theory, he doesn’t have to. “But, why? Isn’t he just like us?”_

_Her father sighs signaling he’s done with this conversation, “he has no potential. Not like you. It pains me to say it.” He looks out the window as if he isn’t really talking to his daughter anymore, “It really is a shame.”_

_Those words leave her feeling hollow instead of proud._

_But, father must have taken her loneliness seriously because her brings someone new to play with her. Mai. Azula likes Mai. She isn’t like the other girls. She doesn’t cry when Azula burns her dolls or cuts off their heads. Mai even finds it funny._

_It’s not long until Azula turns five. She decides she wants to bend before that age because, that’s when father and grandfather started bending. She wants to make them proud of her. So, she learns._

_It isn’t the same as it is for father because, of course it isn’t. She focuses on that drive but, nothing happens. Her determination doesn’t light her inner fire either._

_What was she thinking about in her dream? She was having a nightmare about being alone. A void. An abyss. Suddenly she can feel it in her chest. A hole throbbing and visceral. It hurts too much to think about. But she can feel it in place of the things she’s supposed to feel. Happy, sadness, none of its real. All there is inside her is a void. eventually she lights the leaf in her hand on fire as she lets her body grow numb and she lets herself feel nothing. All afternoon she practices on breathing that flame to life in her palm without the aid of a leaf. Eventually, flares dance in her hand. Small but, there all the same._

_Finally, she can show Zuko firebending. Then they can all be together. Then father won’t see him as a worthless sea crab. When she shows Zuko she expects him to look happy but, instead he looks devastated. Like he’s in trouble. “Please don’t show dad.”_

_“I’m not going to yet, dummy.”_

_“Don’t call me that.”_

_She ignores his complaint, “I’m going to teach you how to firebend. It’s easy.”_

**End of Trigger Warning**

* * *

 

Azula shakes her head unwilling to let herself sink further into her own memories

She curses her older brother as her glare transforms into a scowl. Everyone loved Zuko, except for the one person who mattered. Azula at least had that. The first born ‘prince’ was like a tall tree that grew up over top of her. Absorbing all the love of those around them, even the light of her own friends. He didn’t really care as she started to wither and die. He had pretended to but, of course he didn’t. She could see it in his eyes. He thought she was a monster. Just like Mai. Even Ty Lee… Their uncle. Even their own mother…

Their father had been the only ray to reach her… The only light that kept her alive. Nourished her. Guided her. With his deceive care she learned she wasn’t a tree at all but, much _much_ better. She was the vines that smothered trees. Growing and expanding across an entire forest. Soon she’d squeeze the life out him: proving who the best child was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this? I know it was intense. Honestly some scenes were incredibly hard to write because I used my own experiences as reference. In a way writing does give me an outlet for some of the things I had to suffer in my childhood. Particularly the scene where Azula is witnessing abuse, it's somehow worse than experiencing it yourself. Just as traumatizing. 
> 
> But... Yeah...
> 
> Even though writing this does make me re-live things and gives me this horrible crushing feelings: it also gives me a healthy time/space to think about it and let it go. 
> 
> A Note on Azula:
> 
> I thought a lot about what makes a sociopath. I do believe Azula has a personality disorder of some kind. If she isn't a sociopath, she's pretty damn close to being one. 
> 
> I have someone in my family who I'm pretty sure is a sociopath of some kind. They often talk about how abusive their childhood was but they don't see it as abusive. They frame it as being "hard" but, loving. They idolize their abuser (was also probably a sociopath) and talk with scorn about the people who actually cared about them. 
> 
> This is something narcissists (a type of sociopath) tend to do. And I really think Ozai is a narcissist but, I'll get to that later. 
> 
> Narc's isolate you and "turn you against" the people who might actually try and help you. They also love bomb you (shower you with A LOT of affection and praise) in a way that makes you unhealthily attached to them. That's part of why it's so horrible when they freeze you out for disagreeing with them. It's a type of grooming that's VERY insidious. 
> 
> The way I see it: I don't think sociopaths are born. I think they are made. There's a common theme with a lot of serial killers that they were either intensely abused or neglected in very early childhood. There's supposedly a link between your empathy levels and how much you were held as a baby. 
> 
> So, I think that Azula turned out different from Zuko (despite having Ursa around) because...
> 
> 1\. Her father was interested in grooming her to be his true heir. He saw himself in her (which I'll get to in much later chapters)  
> 2\. Azula was the golden child. Zuko was the scapegoat. Narc parents don't really have the love or energy to train both children. It's very common for them to pick one (basically at random) to give all the love and praise. While the other is intensely hated, abused and even blamed for everything wrong in Narc's life.  
> 3\. Ursa was absent in Azula's early life. Unlike in Zuko's. My theory (and what I tried to show here) is that she fell into a deep depression after Azula was born. Neglecting her daughter. I think it's possible (based on how Ursa treats her as if she's already a monster) that Azula was the result of an assault.  
> 4\. Ursa became significantly worse after the events in the search (Ozai reading her letters) and attempted suicide. Kid's don't "know" exactly what's going on. But, they know when something is wrong. This intense situation happening around Azula would have been really traumatizing.  
> 5\. Ozai groomed Azula to be indifferent to suffering, particularly that of her brother. And eventually she learned to delight in it because she got more of that highly addictive love and praise.  
> 6\. Azula was taught she was better than everyone, especially Zuko (the only good influence in her life). And, again, she was taught it was "ok" and even expected for her to cruel to those beneath her.


End file.
